Just when I think that the road I'm on is going in th straight fashion... I get to embark on a sharp turn.  OY!  The last two days have sort been an emotional roller coaster.  The last month, has had me thinkin about the future, what I want to do with my life... and who will be included.  I guess I'll first reflect on the last month or so.  Well, my friend and I didn't go to Maryland to see Jeremy.  Better that way I guess, cuz I probably couldn't really afford it.  I got to spend 4 days with him, instead of 2.  Lately... before the last 48 hours..... I've been trying to decide if Dental school is the route for me.  I mean, I want to do it... but is it really monetarily feasible if my one true, first love, is that of family?  Am I going to want to spend upwards of 100k to get an education, and then stay home 3-4 days a week?  I dunno.....  because I do know that I don't want to put my children in day care, and go to work.  I don't want to.  I've heard too many horror stories... even if there are some really good day cares.  I just can't do it.  I want to raise my children, not have someone do it for me.  So again, this thought has me re-thinking... .is denistry a good plan?  Sure it'd be great to fall back on once the kids are in school... but how long will that be?  Will I just be able to pick right up from where I left off when I got out of school?  Plus, at this point in time, I'm so darn exhausted from school..... I mean the last 15 years... oy!  And now I wanna tack on another 4.... what's wrong with me??  Hehehehe..... but seriously..... I don't know if its all worth it.  So that's the biggest issue going through my mind right now.  I think it more or less dawned on me when I realized that if I graduate next year, I need to start applying for med/dental schools.  Therefore, I have to seriously consider if I want to go or not.  And then when I do make my decision back it up... and stick with it.  I know there are lots of people who would love to see me go..... they could gloat... oh my best friend is a dentist... my daughter in law is a dentist, my grandaughter is a dentist... blah, blah blah... but is that what I want??  Do I want to be a dentist?  I dunno... I thought I did.... but as I get older, and marriage and family come closer... I'm just not soo sure. Sheesh!  I wish I were 5 years old again.. life was soo much simpler.  Anyways.... that's the last month of thought... the last 48 hours deals with Jeremy.  He told me on Monday evening that on his birthday (in like 2 weeks) he plans to sign up for the Reserves.  Good LORD!  He's just now getting out of his last 5 year commitment.  It's like, why on earth does he want to subject himself to more?  Ya know.  Well here's the breakdown of things as I see it.....  he said that he's going to sign up for 4 more years... this time reserves.  He'll have to spend about 4 months in Georgia... there he'll get a "good chunk" of his degree done.  Then he'll come back up here, and work at a "nearby" hospital doing network administration.  sure it sounds unflawed... but what about IRAQ??  ya know... they're deploying people left and right... and according to one statistic I heard..... there are more national gaurds & reservists over there, then there are fulltime military men and women.  SCARY STAT!!  It's not the 4 months in Georgia that bothers me.... it's the thought that he could possibly be deployed..... and that if he does there's a chance that the next time I see him, that he'll be zipped up in a body bag!  Obviously that's not what I want.  Jeremy is convinced that this is virtually and "undeployable unit."  But, to that I say BULL CRAP, dear!  I love you sooo much, but there is NO such thing as an "undeployable unit" any more. But... he's thoroughly convinced that he won't be deployed.  Needless to say..... we've made this agreement, to pray about this matter for the next week and a half. Then when he comes home in about a week and a half we'll discuss it.  If he still feels gun-ho about it... .and believes that God wants him to sign up... then great. God will deal with me, and my attitude, and give me the peace I need.  But if he doesn't... then he shouldn't sign up.  I'm willing to be open to God and what He has to say, and how He moves in my heart. I'm holding my end of the bargain, but I'm afraid that Jeremy is soo SET on going, that he's not holding his.  And then, last night, I had an away message up while I was studying.  And he left the sweetest message for me.  It was about how much he loved me, and he can't imagine his future without me.  He was offered yesterday like 90k-120k tax free to go to Kuwait & then Iraq for a total of a year.  He turned it down he said... because of me... and not wanting to be that far from me.  He asked them about bringing a wife.  (hehehe.. .that's me)  He didn't say what the answer was, but since he turned it down, I'm assuming it was that one could not be brought with him.  It was such a sweet message... I wish I could post it here... but I can't cuz it's saved at my house, and I'm at school.  It had me in tears.... happy, moved tears.  I didn't know what to say.  Ya know? Then he asked if he could call me.  He never asks that... cuz he's not a "phone talker" kinda guy.  It was about 1 at that time... so I told he could... but it'd have to be short since I have to be up at like 6:15.  We talked on the phone... he told me he loved me.  And of course I told him back.  He seems very genuine, and how he wants to do this for OUR future... and that he's just trying to provide for us the best way he can.  I commend him for that... and I've fallen deeper in love with him for that.  He's supposed to call me tonight.... I think I was semi-spaced out when we were talking last night.... so..... we'll have to see how that goes.  I love him, so much.  I don't want to ever lose him.  I feel like God gave me a diamond, and said to hold on to it forever.... He's soooo precious to me, and I cannot imagine my life or future without him in it. I've never felt such warmth or love from anyone.  I'm soo greatful that he seems in in his future as well, and that even now he's trying to do what he can to ensure a good future for us. I tell ya.. who couldn't love a guy like that?  Ya know?  *sigh*