It's hard to think of a better title for this entry... simply because I AM confused.
So what's actually in my mind right now? Shit loads... Knowing that I failed once again in relationships SUCKS - BIG TIME.
A lot of things has been going on in my head these days...
I'm stressed about life, upset about the breakup, angry that this has happened to me, annoyed that I can't get over the situation, mood swings and unstable desires i.e. feeling good about myself and feeling like a loser and much more.
This is literally driving me crazy, but what can i do? 
Seeing couples on the street, my sister and her bf, and friends... just makes me feel miserable and lonely.
Tried to go out, but i either spend too much money on clothes and shoes or I just don't have a mood at all.
I have lost my appetite and I have also eaten A LOT of starbusts...
Sleeping less than 4 hours or sleeping over 12 hours.

This is not right.  What's wrong with me?  It's not like it's the first time that I got dumped?  What is going on? Haven't I had enough ups and downs in my life to know that I can get thru this?  Friend and colleagues all tell me things like:
"Things happen for a reason, and good things will come.."
"You're a strong girl, I'm sure you'll be ok"
"It's his loss not yours, don't blame yourself"
and much more....

But are they telling the truth? Or are they just trying to make me feel better by comforting me with some nice words?
I'm sure they all have a good intention but at the end of the day... it's not about how much support and positive things I get from my friends, but to just really go thru it on my own.

Having said that tho, I guess that doesn't mean I don't need any support... my mom telling me that I lead this happen and that I should be responsible of today's consequence was just shocking.  I couldn't help but to break down in tears especially when i know that she loved the fact that i was going out with someone successful and smart etc, she just felt that maybe I'll never be able to find someone better.  That was really harsh...  Didn't help me at all and I couldn't help but wonder... what did I do to deserve this?  If everything happens for a reason, is this the reason? Am i a bad gf afterall??

The truth is, there's bias on both sides for sure.  What she said was very blunt but it had a bit of truth in it.  But the more I think about it, I feel i was hurting myself even more.  Tears and pain going in cycles...

At one point, I just felt that it hurts so much that I just couldn't express myself anymore.  To a point where, tears just doesn't cover it.  So i stopped crying, yet the pain was greater than ever!!  Gosh.. it's kinda hard to explain in words but i suppose i have suppressed my pain without knowing it yet I couldn't hide from it?  Whatever it was, I felt insane.  I knew i was going crazy - literally.  On one hand, I tried to move on as quickly as I can coz i kept telling myself, if he can get over me so easily, why can't I do the same?  On the other hand, i feel like i want to dwell in this pain just a little longer so I will make sure i'll remember this and don't make the same mistakes again in the future.

I guess that's the reason why I'm writing this entry - to remember this painful experience and to learn to move on.

I decided to take today off from work (even if it means having to visit the GP just to get a doc's cert. to proof that i am sick) when i'm not actually physically sick but mentally.  I don't know why i needed today off apart from feeling extremely tired and didn't really wanna get dressed to work today.

But I think i have realised something, something important.
To be able to step up and move on, I need to realise that I simply cannot continue to put my love life before everything else.  And when things aren't going well with the bf, it should just be the same as dealing with any other problems in life.  I have taken this relationship way to seriously and look what happened?  I totally scared the shit out of him and the natural reaction to my freakin' behaviour would of coz be - I'm so damn tired, I've got to let go, see ya later.

Thinking back, yes, i'm aware that I've been so picky and have expected so much from him.  He's not a superman and so i can't expect him to be perfect because I'm not perfect and no one else in the world is.  My defence in this case is ... I suppose I just wanted to be extra careful and protected myself way too much from the start.  I couldn't let go of my expectations because I thought if it get those "criteria" out of the way from the start, I can spare myself some pain.  What i didn't realise was the fact that, not only am I giving myself pressure, I'm giving him the pressure too and the end result - I scared him off with my stupid expectations.  Yes, i have no doubt that I'm very committed and serious about the whole relationship, but what i didn't realise is that I haven't showed him how much he means to me but only how much i don't like about him.  How I actually want to put aside our differences but to work together. 

It's my fault that I didn't really showed him that side of me and this is what i get.  Does this mean i don't love him enough? Maybe from the beginning.. yes, because i was so focused on how i don't want to get hurt EVER again and would like to get those expectations out of the way and just be a fine couple.  But as time goes, I fell in love more and more and yet I didn't change my attitude at all... or maybe it was just too late for me to stop expecting and couldn't control myself?  Eitherway, this is what happened - he felt bad and he felt back in love with his ex.  Way to go Portia!!

Now the question is, have I punished myself enough yet?  I'm really not sure.  One minute i can feel on top of the world, the next minute I can feel like the biggest loser knowing that some of the lessons I mentioned about are just not NEWS anymore - I'm letting history repeat itself.  For god sakes, how many times do I need to go thru this again?

Far out, even just before I started writing this entry, i thought i was sure and I know what i want from now on.. but the more i express my inner feelings - my soul is telling me that I still don't really know what I want.

Yes - I was hoping that by recording my feelings and expressing these into words can help me understand what next; and more importantly, how to get over him....

Umm.... no I don't know still.  Goodness me.
Alright, let me lay down the facts here.

1. He's back in love with his ex, he's couldn't care less about me so what the hell am I waiting for?
2. His graduation is on the 27th - that doesn't mean I'll see him because he may not even show up for it, let alone coming to see me.
3. He can forget about meeting me on the 8th, why wouldn't he forget about meeting me one last time for closure?

Yes Portia, you don't need to run away from him or anyone else anymore.  You really don't.
You don't need to be upset about it anymore - it's all up to me.  You don't want to think about this in the future thinking that I have wasted so much time struggling... coz we all know how much I hate about wasting time.  I have dozens of things that i need to worry about such as the on-going problem with my eyes and my back.

I need to let go of the sorrow, let go of the pain because I'm obviously holding on to them too tight.  Make sure I don't make the same mistakes again - i beg you.  Don't make this a big deal and just believe that I can do this.  The inner counsellor tells me that I should forgive then forget. 

Honestly, I don't need to deny him as a friend, coz if i do, that just means that I still have feelings for him.  If i really wanna let go, i should just let this package go and accept him for who he is.  If i deliberately not talk/contact him, that just means that I still haven't got over him.  Obvioulsy I don't need him in my life anymore and he wasn't around before much anyway so what's the difference?

Remember that article I read couple of days ago?  How memories of the past can affect my short term-current memory?  I think that is exactly what's happening to me and I have got to put a stop to this.  It's affecting me and I'm letting it affect me. 

I think i should stop here now... I have said enough and it's time to let myself rest.  Give me a break

It's not painful... it should be and it really isn't.  If it's meant to happen, meant to be, it will be. 

Last but never the least, rely on God - you have denied him so many times even in the Easter season. Don't forget about the divine mercy at 3pm.  Don't forget what I'm here to achieve - not a good life on earth... but the longing for an eternal life.  If what i suffer now is to prepare me for the peaceful after-life, then BRING IT ON.

Or in short term - if a string of bad relationships means that I've a great relationship and life ahead of me, then BRING IT ON

Alice had a 2.5 years relationship - took her less than 2 weeks to move on
Ophelia got married at 27 not 24
Liz has a string of bad dates, bfs and heartbreaking relationships - but she's now happier more than ever at the age of 28 (or 27.. can't remember)

Portia, you have always been the runner in everything.  Why are you crying over spilled milk when you can continue the run?  I know i should stop once in a while to rest, but don't stop because at the end of the journey, it's all worth it. 

Remember the "biggest loser"? The greatest gift is knowing what went wrong in the past and that you'll never be in that position again.  Fight for your future because you do want a BETTER future. 

Don't ever give up the greatest prize - it's waiting for you at the end.