I have a blog on myspace now. www.myspace.com/lilcat
This is titled: There's a pretty girl somewhere, with a pretty name
I am graduating on Friday.
I am intensely SAD. The past three years that i have spent at Clemson have undoubtably been the best of my life. It is so strange how my college career started out miserably. I was a lost and delicate slave to my eating disorder. Before college, Court and Hill and I would take walks around our neighborhood and talk about how great college would be because we wouldn't be surrounded by stupid Easley people. Unfortunately I began at Furman with high expectations, but I was way too sick to even try to live up to them. It is so painful to think about all of the stupid shit that I did that year. It truly is amazing how much I have matured since then.
Transferring to Clemson was a really tough decision because it felt as if I had failed, but I really wanted a new start. I didn't have great expectations for my new life. I just hoped that it would somehow be better than the past year. And it was better. I finally started drinking alcohol and I joined a sorority that I loved. I still couldn't bring myself to sit still for more than 5 minutes in order to study, and my eating disorder continued to be out of control. I'm dead serious. I'm the only person that knows the extent of it, and I'm sure that it was obvious to some people, but I was SO sick. It is amazing to me that I now lead a normal lifestyle because I was so torn. I couldn't stand to be around people and yet I intensely hated being alone. I intensely hated myself. I had no direction for my life. I really thought that i would have to drop out of school because I just couldnt accomplish anything of worth, and I certainly couldn't study. Yet somehow i seemed to exude some sense of normalcy to the outside world because many of my closer friends had no idea that anything had gone on with me until I told them once I was "recovered." This I still don't understand since I have gained at least 30 lbs since the ED days.
Enough of that. It's so weird to write about since I honestly haven't thought of that too much this semester. I pulled myself out of it the second semester sophomore year. I had a boyfriend the entire time, and he had absolutely no idea about anything. The summer was hard because I had to spend it at home in a constant power struggle with my parents, but I came back to school for my junior year ready to make something of myself. Tabby and I lived on the AX hall, and we had a blast. Junior year was probably the best time I have ever experienced. Unfortunately the bond that I thought Tab and I shared was superficial because now we live in the same apartment and we rarely speak. This totally blows my mind.
Senior year I moved into an apartment with Tab, Carey, and Amanda. I dated Josh for about 3 months and I never really liked him. I liked being with him. I liked sleeping at his apartment. I liked hanging out with him and his roommates, and i liked being constantly entertained and never lonely. I pulled a Lily and randomly broke up with him one night only to regret it all the way until 2nd semester.
I was relieved to go home for Christmas break so that i could get away from him and from Clemson for a bit. Court, Hill, and I had a blast going out in Greenville, and I forgot all about him until the first night back to Clemson when he showed up at TTT's with that little snarley faced squinty-eyed bitch. I had figured it wouldnt last through break, but it did. However, I hooked up with Eric's roommate once and quickly got over the Josh thing that I still don't understand why I ever made a "thing." Although it was the first time that a troubling thing with a male happened and I didnt have some sort of coping mechanism to fall into. One night I ran into a crush from one of my classes dt. I took him to formal, and shortly after, i was no longer a D-VA. I guess that's some big news for the semester. That kinda fizzed, mainly because he is sketchy as hell, but never fear, i don't regret any of it. So shortly after that I ended up hanging out with my crush's ex g/f's brother, whom i really liked. We only hung out for about two weeks, and i was leary at first since I knew I was moving to Charleston soon. He assured me that he liked me and that he wanted to visit me in Charleston and make things work. Well then the little fucker went MIA. He is now in NY for two weeks, and we will probably never speak again. At least let us hope not because I would be seriously disrespecting myself if I let someone do that to me again. I guess I just wonder how people could live with themselves for pulling shit like that. I know that I did Justin Mastroaoieuraawerawe wrong, but did I really deserve this in return? From now on, I am going to make a conscious effort to be more respectful of others' feelings.
So that once again leaves me with the fact that I am graduating on Friday. I have cried. multiple times. I was driving a load of stuff home last Thursday. My last time in Bracket hall as an undergrad psych student on friday. My last workout in fike on monday. It is all so sad and i hate it.
Sunday, I'm moving to Charleston. I start grad school May 30. I interviewed and I have an assistantship in the psych dept. for the fall. Wonderous news since only one clinical counseling student per year gets it!But what the hell? I'm supposed to be grown up now, i guess....