So I know I havent written in forever, and to be honest, the only reason i'm writing here now is to keep certain eyes and ears away from all the things I'm about to say. This entry will be depressing. Fair warning. Or at least cynical, because that's how i'm feeling. So if your not in the mood to be depressed, go away.

So first things first. And update on my life. I hate Daniel (the now ex roomate who thinks i'm too stupid to run a steam cleaner without his supervision) and I've moved...again. This time into Holly and Todd's (the family that I nanny for) about 2 months ago. It's a pretty sweet deal when you add it all up, no rent, no bills (except credit cards and cell phone, and food...if I want to eat...) But I also only make $100 a month. It doesnt go far, and i'm having no luck finding any other children to suppliment my income.

I decided what I wanted to do with my life, and I'll save you the whole delima, but now I just need to get my ass into school. Cross your fingers.

Russell and I seperated, I needed time and space to figure things out, includeing my feelings for James who I met in DNDO. Sadly, I didnt get time or space because I went from Russell who didnt pay attention to James who wouldnt give me any space. Even though he lives 17 hours away. And so things progressed with James, and the more he held on to me the more I wanted to push away. Want I should say, as I'm still in the process of getting away from all that. But in the 3 months that Russell and I were apart, he changed. I know it's hard to believe, but he did. First he blamed me and was angry, then he accepted it and wanted to be friends, then he realized that it wasnt enough for him and wanted to be apart, and now....were openly dateing. Just trying things out. Seeing if it fits and works.

Which leads me to my actual entry.

Romance is a CROCK OF SHIT.

Commercialized romance that is. I mean, don't get me wrong. I believe in love, and I love the whole story  thing about soul mates (that someone split man down the middle and threw his halves continents apart. And they wander until they find each other...) but in the recent months, I've watched alot of romantic movies and read alot of romance novels. And they all have 3 things in common. 1) The people don't seem well suited for eachother at first. 2) They must both overcome some personal obsticle before they realize that they were wrong and they do belong to eachother. 3) After we know, and they know, that they are supposed to be together, the movie or book ends.

We don't see 6 months down the line, a year down the line, a decade down the line. You know, when the hero has a beer gut and the heroine's breasts drag the floor because of gravity and the 3 kids that she had. We don't see their lives once the book is closed or the tape stops rolling.

We are left with the high, the sense that love conquered all and that someday our prince will come and that we will never have to shead another tear because life will be perfect.

And it's a crock of shit.

Growing up you see the love lives of the people around you. I saw my grandparents, who were very hush hush about things. The closest I ever saw of anything at all sexual was when my grandma sat on my grandpa's lap on the couch. They didnt even sleep in the same room (him on the couch because he fell asleep watching the news and her in the bedroom because she fell asleep reading a romance novel.) But the love that they felt could be seen. It was almost tangible. The tractor breaks down, she stops what she's doing and picks him up. He can't be there for lunch, she makes food and takes it to him. She dies in a car accident, and he get's remarried. My mom says that shows he loved her because the love was so good he wants to try to find it again. He says he's lonely, and doesnt want to live alone. But I'm still bitter. He already had the love of his life, dateing is one thing, but looking for another person to spend your life with....that's another. I've come to terms that the entire rest of my family disagrees. But my view hasnt changed. And i'm still bitter about it.

I also saw my parents. Who fight like dogs and have passionate sex (something i've been forced to come to terms with). Half the time they arent speaking, and half the time they wont get off eachother. I've always known that my parents loved each other, and that they loved me. I've never doubted it. But the time in between, when they arent speaking...makes me wonder sometimes.

When seeing the love of the people around you, you come to the conclusion that you want things just like they have it, or nothing like they have it. You watch the movies and read the books that fill your head with this ideal person bull shit. Maybe you'll find it. Maybe some of you already have. But the majority of you will never find the perfect person. No one can be the perfect person. There will be things that make you insane but at the end of the day the important thing is that you should be able to look into the eyes of the person your with and say, "I'd rather fight with you then make love to anyone else."

That's what it all comes down to. Learning to see that not only do you not have the perfect person, but you aren't a perfect person either. You just have to know your heart.

And a decade from now, when my breasts are hanging to the floor (ok, you've seen them...i may not have a decade...) and my 3 kids are running around my husband with his beer gut, I'll look at him and say, "Baby, somedays I hate you, somedays I cant get enough of you, but in the end, I'd rather fight with you any time, then make love to someone else...even if it is Johnny Depp."

And I'm ok with that. Even Johnny Depp has his flaws.