I'm past the point of being able to stand this anymore. Insomnia, always a problem for me anyway, has been especially rough for a while now. I'm lucky if I get three hours of sleep in a twenty-four hour period.

Chronic insomnia can affect my physical health in an adverse way. Without rest, my body cannot heal as much as I need it to each and every day. AIDS has taken so much of my physicality away already, and not sleeping allows it to chip away at me even moreso. Mentally, well... I'm at the edge, I think. I say, "I think..." but I actually don't think. I'm not capable of rational thinking anymore; nor am I able to concentrate or make good decisions. I feel as though I'm living in a very foggy world, nothing in focus, sounds muffled, and so on. I don't make sense, even to myself, a lot of the time.

I have tried everything short of a croquet mallet to the side of the head to get some sleep. Every relaxation exercise has been combined with every medication one can think of, all to no avail. I've considered giving myself a "slight" overdose of my medications in order to get some sleep, but that's a dangerous game for someone alone to play. I mean, what if I took just that much too much and never woke up again. That would suck beyond suckiness, and all for the hope of a little shuteye.

I'm so tired, so very, very tired. My head, arms and legs feel as if they weigh a hundred pounds each. I can't seem to finish even the slightest task without a lot of thought and step-by-step, repetitive actions. I nod off standing up, only for a second or two, and snap awake when I start to fall over. It's getting dangerous.

Also, with the dangerous part, is this: when I do sleep I can't be assured of sticking around the apartment anymore. Yep, sleepwalking again, and it scares me. It's one thing to move around in sleep in one's own environment. It's quite another when one does what I do, which is to go outside when sleepwalking and ending up God knows where. I hadn't done that for a while, but now it's started up again. And I don't live in a neighborhood where that is safe to do anymore, either. There are some nefarious characters about at all hours of the day or night, and with me walking around outside, oblivious to all, well... the possibilities are just too creepy to think about.

In the two most-recent somnambulism events, I'm not sure if I went outside or not. I think I did, because there were a lot of damp leaves tracked into my front room. But the next time, I know for sure I did because I awoke when out and about. I'm lucky no one called the police, because I "came to" standing in someone's front yard about a block and a half from my apartment. Going outside when sleepwalking is nothing new for me. My mom tells of waking me up for school in the mornings and finding grass clippings on my lower legs and feet and all over the bed under the covers. If there was grass here, I guess it's be the same thing.

I have two appointments today, one with my doctor and the other with my counselor. I'm going to talk to the doc about this exhaustion and sleepwalking. I'm also going to bring up the fact that my legs, from my ass down, are killing me, aching and throbbing. I haven't over-worked them; the opposite, in fact. Maybe I'm starting to atrophy! I don't care about anything else physically going on with me; don't care about my latest test results or anything. Just find a way to knock my ass out for a somewhat normal amount of time.

Again, I'm so tired. So very, very tired. If it doesn't get better, and soon, I'm truly afraid of what could happen.