12:29 am

I came into town a one night stand. Looks like my plans fell through.

I wish I was stuck in Lodi. Anything to be nearer to an ocean than I am. I've never even been to Lodi. I don't know what John Fogerty was all sad about. California's one of the best places to be passing through for seven months or more. Though there's also Lodi, NJ, which I also haven't been to... maybe I'd rather be stuck in that Lodi. But then again it would probably drive me crazy to be stuck there when I'm so close to home. Okay. Enough.

I have been sitting here in Santa Fe, coexisting with the stink bugs and the crickets. It's been a nice coexistence. They don't bother me, I don't bother them. Well sometimes I smash them. But usually I just let them crawl around. They entertain the dog.

So Bibi won't be coming out from NJ, Pete won't be moving in, and Mike's in Carlsbad so I can't yet tell him that it looks like we'll be splitting all the bills between the two of us, all summer. He probably won't be pleased to hear this but ya know, I'm not pleased about it either. I'm also definitely not pleased that, even though she's cost me an extra $1500-$2000 this summer, Lesley is still asking if I plan on repaying her a $50 loan from last month. I just wanted to say, No. Actually, I don't plan on repaying you. But to say that and to explain to her exactly why I thought it was quite fair would bring on a headache, a headache bad enough that I'd rather pay her $50 and just not think about it ever again.

I'm through with friends! Just plain through!

On top of that, my gardens are having issues. I've had to dig up a lot of dead plants this summer, and it looks like I have a few more to take care of. There is just far far far too little rain to go around this year. And it's not even like they're normal gardens - I've planted all little-to-no-water plants! Native plants! Plants that are considered weeds! And they're still dying.

The kitchen sink hardly has any water pressure. Honestly, I just want to go home where it hasn't stopped raining for a month now. Like... it sounds weird, but the lack of water out here is really messing with me. I think I'd be happier here if I could just turn on the faucet and have a normal stream of water come out. Everything is just so parched. This city is going to shrivel up and cave in on itself.

The days here are all right. I can handle the days. But the nights are what get me. Last night I was up til about 4 am. I finished The Kite Runner at about 3:15 ish. It was a good book - a very vibrant story, even if the language was lacking a little. The author, Khaled Hosseini, is actually a physician, this being his first book. It's clear that he's not a writer by vocation, but what the novel was wanting in adept use of language was certainly made up for by the story, the creativity of the plot, the twists, and the fact that it was a creative illustration of such a pertinent topic (Afghanistan and, later, the Taliban). By the last few chapters it was, quite literally, a page-turner. I skimmed whole paragraphs because I was so desperate to know what was going to happen next.

And, it should be noted that a passage from The Kite Runner made my eyes tear up. A book has not made me cry since I read Where The Red Fern Grows when I was 12. But this worked:

...I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded, not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gatherings its things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night.

... I don't know what its effectiveness can be credited to. But it worked a lot. I have had it turning over in my head since I first read it. Tonguing it like a loose tooth.

There are lots of things in the past year that I regret. There are lots of people I wish I could apologize to. There are lots of people whom I wish would apologize to me. But I should let go.

I think this is all just due to the fact that I've forgotten my meds the last few days. Please ignore me. I haven't taken my anti-emo pills.

Oh, and. New photographs.

-Charlotte