I am leaning heavily on my GOD right now. My uncle's wake and funeral this past weekend was one of the hardest I have ever faced. I have always considered myself strong. Not this time. It took me 3 tries before I could get in the room where they had his body at the wake. I didn't realize I was trying to make myself believe that this terrible thing hadn'd happened until I walked into the wake and saw his name on that board and almost fell on my face right there. I started sweating and shaking and had to go back outside. I tried again and got as far as the area before where they were showing a video of Danny and his life. Back outside I go. I found a bathroom and closed the door and squalled my eyes out. Telling myself that NO! This isn't real! It was WAAY too real. Finally I made it in the room. My Dad was in there. He hadn't left Danny's body since they allowed the family in. I wanted to be strong for Daddy, but I fell apart. I could only stay a few minutes and had to go out again. They opened the casket. He looked horrible. Swollen. Discolored. Whoever worked on him needs to be disbarred. His daughter and stepdaughters put this stupid baseball cap on him. He never wore a baseball cap. I wanted to rip it off his head, but was afraid of what I'd find under there. I knew she didn't shoot him in his head, but I didn't know what the autopsy had done to him...anyway, there were tons of family drama before, during, and after the funeral. There was a huge dispute about where to bury him. His Daughter and step-daughters wanted him burried in the wife's (The woman who KILLED him.) family cemetary. (Oh yea, and they plan to lay that woman by his side upon her demise.) Half my family supported whatever the child wanted...Danny probably would have wanted it that way...whatever she needed, right? The other half went ballistic and wanted him burried by my Grandparents...far away from that woman who did that to him. I fell somewhere in the middle. I wanted to do what comforts his Daughter, but my heart didn't want him near that woman either. Anyway, the court awarded custody of the body to the girls. My Dad was on the other side of the court room and said some very hurtful things to family members in his pain. UGH! Anyway, to make a long story short, his daughters called me after the wake, and asked me not to sing, after I had stressed about it all week, made a special hour trip to buy the cd, worked on it all week. I wasn't sure I could have done it anyway, but I really wanted to do it for Danny...it is the last gift you can do for someone...and they had originally asked for me to do it. I realize it was an attempt to hurt my Dad, but it hurt me too, and I wasn't involved in all the pre-trama...or any of the rest of it truthfully. I grieved Danny and left the rest to them. Anyway, the funeral was blessedly uneventful, and his life was honored. The cemetary was beautiful and we made it through it. The family all went in different directions afterwards. Half to one location and others to another, or home. I needed to go with my Dad, but I couldn't. I went home. I closed my door, and circled my wagons. I didn't leave the house again until Monday. I didn't wanna go then. But I went to work and tried to move on as best I could.
I wrote some about what happened last Wednesday. One of my "friends" basically attacked me about some rumors going around about me that were totally unfounded...what's new...if you are getting things done, people talk. I can live with that. Well, it happened again Sunday night. (I can't live with people who should be supporting me during a trama kicking me when I'm down instead!) I have completely withdrawn from EVERYTHING but work and getting my child where she needs to be. It is the only way I know how to heal. I need time. I resigned everything I do at church (Several of the people involved in this mess were church members worried about their own agendas and not even worried/concerned about my life and hurts right now.), and have told my pastor I need a break. He came over last night and we talked for a long while, and he understands...or at least tried to. This mess has compounded my pain, but with GOD's help, I will get through this too. I am standing on Ps. 34:18 "GOD is close to the brokenhearted, and rescues the crushed in spirit." I am both. But HE is faithful. I feel like David when he wrote my enemies are all around me, but HE is my comfort. I hate it most for my Acteens, but we always take the summer off, and only had 3 more weeks this year anyway, so this is just an early break this year. I assured them that I will be teaching Acteens next school year...just not sure where. But I didn't tell them that part. I will just be waiting to see what GOD does in my life and where HE leads in the meantime. (My heart's desire is right back to my church...but we will see what HE has in store...I will be visiting for a while anyway.) Next Sunday is Mother's Day, and I will be at my MIL's church...not sure where I will be after that, but I know where it won't be for a while. If you pray, please pray for GOD to show me the way...I know HE will.