|the echo of a pulse|
I'm not sleeping. I hate it.
Every class, every professional conference, I get to hear about burnout. About the importance of taking time off. And I need it, but I can't afford it. I'm sure I've said it before, but the worst part of being single is having to actually personally handle everything in my life. It doesn't sound like a rational complaint, but somedays I would give my left arm to have someone to lean on. To do any of little annoying things that go with life. Something as simple as having someone else around that could call and straighten out an error in the car insurance bill, or do the dishes when I'm exhausted, or run to the store, or anything. I'm not picky. Someone to hear about a bad day. I'm just exhausted. With life. I have a to do list 80 things long, most of which needed done yesterday, the rest should have been done months ago.
I know that in the grand scheme of life money is not that important. I have no great dreams of ever being rich. I don't really care. Worrying about money in no way actually helps, and I do it anyway. It is, perhaps, the one area of my life that seems so out of control. I have a 'career,' a decent social support system, etc. But I'm still living paycheck to paycheck like I was waitressing. My savings account balance is, drumroll please, 3 cents. No kidding. I owe people money, which just bothers me. I hate having to explain that I'm broke. Most people automatically assume that being broke just means I can't manage money. The truth is I get paid, pay bills, and if there's money left over I buy groceries. Much of the time I survive on breakfast cereal and cheap pasta's as the foundation of my diet. Yes, I'd love to lose weight, but I can't afford to. I'd love to go out to lunch, or for manicures, but I don't even own a pair pants that fit at the moment, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I have a non-functioning car thats just waiting for my to dump money into it, and I swear I have to break knee caps just to get my brother's half the rent. It turns out the rent is due on the same day EVERY month. Same time. We had this conversation approximately 30 days ago, and now it's "I'll get the rest of it to you next week."
It makes me irrationally angry that he doesn't work. That he buys pizza all the time, bought a new car stereo, tv, you name it. All he does all day is watch tv and play on his computer. My mom gave him a car. Just gave it to him. He pays for the cable, and his car insurance, blows the rest of his unemployment, and then isn't prepared to pay rent. I want to stamp my feet like a 5 year old and tell him it's not fair.
I'm short a client right now. There are lots of new inquiries, but they've all been delayed. One's psychologist got arrested prior to getting an official diagnosis, one is getting the run around from their insurance, one is fighting with the school system because she wants us helping her kid at school, and the other wants to use the medicaid waiver but hasn't even applied for it yet. Plus I've been on a 'no new hours' hold because we're trying to contract with a group home which will largely be my project, and filling up my schedule a month before would make that impossible.
I just found out today that I won't be able to sit for my certification exam in May. The paperwork deadline is like a week too early for me to get transcript deadlines in for the class I'm finishing. Which means I can't sit for the exam until September, and won't (if I pass) be officially certified until December. It's a blow. I haven't told my boss yet. We were both banking on me being certified mid-summer.
Feeling a little stagnant in several areas of my life, and not in a place I want to be.
I am not a patient person. I want to be moving forward again. Or if not, a warm beach and couple margaritas would go a long way.