I've had this discussion with Mar yesterday. It last for about an hour an a half and then one hour more later in the day... It has been the closet thing to an argument that we ever had since we have known each other. We never actually fight. We argued, we joked around with each other, but we never really had a fight.. This time was no different. We didn't have a fight, just a stronger argument than we ever had...

Now that I think about it, it's silly the way it started... But don't get me wrong, I don't regret what we say to each other. We didn't really insult each other, hang up or scream or anything. I am kinda happy that we were able to have this kind of argument because it shows that our friendship is strong, that even through disagreements we are able to stop and listen to what the other has to say. I think it somehow reassured me in a way...

It happened in mid afternoon. She called to talked about a Pic-Nic we are having with 4 other friends next thirsday. I was listening to a new CD I had just bought and as everytime I was singing over the lyrics when she called. She started bickering about it because she never ever liked the style of music I listen to... she doesn't like the fact that I like popular music. She assumed that ever since an artist is known and acclamed by people, it means he or she isn't doing good music... This time was even worse considering the singer I was listening to is actually the winner of some silly reality show on a french chanel. For those who often read my diary, you must know who Gregory is. I bought his first solo CD on saturday. It came out a couple of weeks ago and has been N°1 ever since. Not that I'm surprise, it was obvious it would be, but I still wanted to know if it really deserves its first place. I wasn't disappointed. It does. The song are good, the voice is amazing, the emotion is true and I love his CD... and Mar just hate the fact that I do.

At first I reffused to tell her I was listening to him coz I knew what her reaction would be. Truth is, if it was because she didn't like the music, I could understand it, coz not everybody like this kind of music... but I know she doesn't like it just because I do like it. She doesn't like the movies I like, the music I like, and she doesn't like my choice of studies. She didn't like the fact that I chose to leave for the USA one year ago, and she doesn't like the fact that I can talk english better than she does. She always finds a way to bring me down...

"But why is she your friend then?" you would ask me... Oh, but sometimes you just don't have an answer to that.

Eventually, I told her... or she guessed... and she started gauning, and moaning, saying I should be ashamed of myself for listening to "that kind of music"... (remember that she never actually listened to the music...) I told her she was intolerant, that she should try and be more tolerant with my choices... and that's when it all started... somehow it ended up on studies... she said hurtful things without even realising it, putting me down everytime she could once again... after one hour and a half of listening to each other bickering and arguing with the other's point of view, we decided to leave it here and just cool it off...

I hope this conversation was just as constructive for her as it was for me. I think it was, because we I called later again to say sorry, she said it too and we talked some more. We came to a sort of agreement and I think she realised she shouldn't put me down so often.

Now, I don't want you guys to think she shouldn't be my friends. I understand myself when I tell all those things and believe me, I love our friendship and I know she loves it too. I know she cares for me as much as I care for her, there is no doubt in that. I don't want you to think she's using me. I'm just putting this down right now because in 10 years, I want to read it and learn from it, see if I made the same mistakes again... or she did...

This discussion has brought me some more self confidence. The one I have been building for the last few months... I've always wanted to ask if people knew I had changed. If the changes, as little as they were, were still visible to other people's eyes. Am I stronger? Am I fuller? Will I support another fight like the one I went through 9 months ago?

Cookie and Blinis have been my fight and my strenght for those past months and I learned my lessons... For once.... What do you think?

Men die from never trusting, from never living drunk and maskless, Beaten soldiers in a war without victory, And if my life is a lost cause, I will leave free of having at least trust. (A Corp Perdu - Gregory Lemarchal)