(07/08/2012 - Sorry, I made an edit change to the title and it brought the entry to the top again.)
I took the chance, the bet was wrong, and now it was time to pay.
Our lifetime together, our marriage, hung in the balance but I didn’t know it then.
1984; the time of the oil embargo and 15% treasury rates, both joining forces to gut our finances and I took it personally, very personally, since I was the one who placed them at risk.
1985 – The Bankruptcy and shortly thereafter, the foreclosure of our cute cottage by the ocean.
You tried your best to stand by me, to support your man but … you were frightened too.
All the abuses and terrors of my childhood came screaming back and I used them to further eviscerate myself … and us.
Me, a financial advisor, a mitigator of risk, how could I have let this happen to us?
The self-loathing wall I’d built around myself was impenetrable.
You were frightened and sought safety.
The nice other guy for you.
Too many women for me,
and too much alcohol.
The divorce.
1987 and The Bottom came hard!
I was emotionally, professionally, and financially burned out and filled with shame.
There was not enough booze nor enough vaginas to numb the pain.
I was functioning … barely.
Yet, still you reached out to me.
You found me the therapist;
And with her help, I slowly started to rebuild.
I’m fine now.
I’m glad we long ago forgave each other,
and I’m so thankful we are friends today.
Occasionally, over the years, we’ve asked one another, “What happened to us?”
We stumble trying, the answer still elusive.
I don’t think either of us really understood …
the fragility of love,
or the power of shame.
Except, I know,
we both mourn the loss of what we had.
You married the nice other guy and I,
... never.
Did I say ... I’m "fine" now?
Although, on occasion, when reminded of that time - our time together, I do crack open.
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Nunzio, if I had arms big enough to reach across the ocean and hug you, I would. This is beautifully written and conveys the mistakes, the hurt, the sadness so well. Thank you for sharing.
#Somehow I'm not finding the words I want, to say what I want.# [mia butterfly]
3/25/2012 2:43:46 AM
The tintinnabulation of this entry is heard brother ! [Mr. parallelogram]
3/25/2012 7:27:15 AM
agreed with Sophe.. thank you for sharing something so very personal. *hugs* [The Feminine: April]
3/25/2012 8:15:59 AM
Love. I like to say it's the knife that cuts both ways. That doesn't mean I think it is bad; it just has to be handled very carefully.
Thank you for the glimpse of you. [agamemnon]
RYN - I failed to mention that I HAVE asked him to do specific chores before. Once, as I was leaving for work and he had the whole day off I said, "Hey can you hang up your laundry today?" and he said, "I might consider that." and then didn't do it. So I am discouraged from asking now and I suppose will have to resort to demanding.
~I'll be [Yours For Now...]
3/31/2012 9:51:43 AM
I agree with Sophe. Thank you for sharing this. I do hope you are "okay" [lunamoonchilde]
3/31/2012 11:32:20 PM
Ahhhh...been there Nunzio. I've always liked this sing. Excellent. [Bird Broken Wing]
ryn: He never got lower than 10 feet - which is nontheless completely nuts! (radalt in box on right side of the hud) [Duke]
4/23/2012 9:29:14 PM
R: welcome hoops person. Lol
I looked for the electrician guy this morning but I didn't see him! [Huney Badger]
4/25/2012 2:01:20 PM
Memory lane can sometimes be a hateful bitch. however at the same time you miss, you realize how capable at love you are.which idk about hog but some times I need that reminder. [Huney Badger]
R: rofl thanks honey! compliments are flattering! [Huney Badger]
5/12/2012 8:22:09 PM
Pssst! Hey private noter - instead of coming here every 2 - 3 hours to see if I responded to your private note, why don't you just unblock me and I'll leave my notes on your diary!
Ok, I won't mock you any longer! ^ Just go ahead and wander through my diary, I'll even turn off all my tracking devices so I'll never know if, or how long, you linger over my asterisked (erotic) entries.
Go ahead ... really ... see, I'm not watching at all.
GE: I just realized, by making my last note private, you can't see it! Duh, and *snort!* ;-) [Nunzio]
5/17/2012 12:43:42 PM
RYN: Thank you.
I know personally of a family that survived that same illness. I pray Jezebel and her family will fare as well.
I have seen that awesome video before. Thanks for posting it again.
Be well. [Greywolf Borealis]
5/22/2012 10:33:23 PM
this was a beautiful entry.. Im adding you to favorites and coming back later [Mintgurl1234]
Bulls are very competitive. They fight to establish dominance. Generally the bigger the bull the more likely he's boss. It can be very frustrating when breeding time comes around to have your bulls fighting each other or worse yet suffering injuries so they cannot breed the cows. Cross fence fights and threats of same are no uncommon either. [woman in the moon]
6/24/2012 2:32:50 AM
This was very sweet.
Although I'm sure living it was less than.
[ABangersister]
6/24/2012 6:56:56 PM
Baldy is my work best friend. We've been friends for a few years and recently with the addition of his girlfriend to his life, we do couple kind of hangin out shit. I had a huge crush on him for a while. He wears a suit and tie, really, REALLY well. *drool* [Huney Badger]
ryn: what an awesome note you just left! You're in insurance too?! What a surprise! Any tips, advice, good stories to share? :) and thanks for the vote of confidence! [AprilSays]
7/19/2012 12:43:52 PM
ryns: At over 15 million views of that video she has probably already had a million marriage proposals - and she's only 19!
And smart asses say there is no God! Right there is proof - that is no accident. [Duke]
R: being worthy of attention has nothing to do with dom or submissive, love. LOL [Huney Badger]
9/11/2012 3:26:13 PM
Annnnnd, one more thing... I especially liked when you called out how long people were looking at a page or reading in general. I've thought about doing that sort of thing to, but I have never gotten around to it. [Huney Badger]
9/11/2012 8:57:58 PM
ryn: The elliptical is pretty big, and the model doesn't do a thing for me. I had my own Susan Glenn - Audrey. [Duke]
9/24/2012 5:57:16 PM
RYN: Yeah, that prostate gland makes a big difference in men's orgasms, doesn't it?
This entry of yours resonates with me. Sometimes even though you still love your ex, you know it would never work out because that time passed. I still love mine, but the love is in the past, and I could never live with him again (or trust him). People don't understand if they've never lived it. [inmylife]
9/25/2012 10:15:07 PM
Heh! You noted before I got my babes d'jour up! [Duke]
ryn: Ah, but I actually did. The hottest little Texas tornado I have ever seen. We qualified as lifeguards together. Her dad was the wing commander when my dad was stationed in northern Maine.
You didn't think I made that name up, did you? [Duke]
10/4/2012 5:48:03 PM
I'm torn about you Hon because I like you and your input.
I certainly don't want to discourage your participation.
ryn: That note made my DAY. And it gives me encouragement.. because right now I need it. :) You're always honest.. and I know when I'm not seeing something, you'll say it. It was truly awesome. thank you for taking time out of your busy day :) *hugs* [AprilSays]
10/8/2012 4:41:59 AM
ryn: Some weird OD idiosyncrasy. It embeds Klingon every time I go in to edit a misspelled word in an entry - I finally gave up trying to fix it. [Duke]
After winning the first two debates and taking the lead in all the important polls 60 percent of people in a CNN survey said Romney was capable of being commander in chief, accomplishing a key goal for the American electorate.Who won the 3rd debate on Foreign Policy?
who the hell cares,it's the economy stupid!!!! [Laura Galopolos]
10/23/2012 6:56:26 AM
Laura RYN:
Tsk, tsk.
Haven't you learned basic debating skills? That is, argumentum ad hominem attacks are prohibited and the basis for disqualification of the user!
RYN I admit I normally do not like group thinking, but it was too tempting this time :-) [YAH]
10/23/2012 4:38:36 PM
RYN: The DM knows about entry creation error and the related bookmark issue. As a work around, update the entry and change the title, and it should update in bookmarks that people have you in (it worked for me when I tested it with my test diary).
ryn: Whoa! I'd like to see that from the pilot's perspective! [Duke]
10/24/2012 6:34:56 PM
Very moving entry - written on my husband's significant birthday, which wouldn't mean anything to you, of course... Thanks for sharing your feelings. Also, thank you (belatedly) for your note and the link. I've of course also wondered about Republi-cants (Btw, best tag ever! Expresses their petulant contrariness in Congress perfectly! Even better than Rethuglicans!) - and what your article pointed to is expanded more thoroughly, as far as I've gotten, in a good in-depth reporter's book I'm finally reading: Thomas Frank's What's The Matter With Kansas: How Conservatives Won the Heart of the Country, only 8 years after it was written. (I'm slow at lots of things besides noting!) I also follow any articles that point to brain research - seriously - for ways to interpret and overcome this mindless following of incomprensible political nostrums put out by the ultra-right. Maybe one day we'll have a perfect answer and cure...
By the way, speaking of being slow, mind if I ask why no entries since March? No offense, just wondering.... [April Fool]
10/29/2012 11:48:27 PM
ryn: Bwahahaha! I got on her friends list. Maybe I was the last one! [Duke]
