To an English teacher like me, this is simply a masterpiece, an amazing work of art. It would be a huge waste not to share with my students - and with all of you.
Modern Man by George Carlin
I'm a modern man, a man for the millennium. Digital and smoke-free. A diversified, multi-cultural post-modern deconstructionist, politically, anatomically and ecologically incorrect. I've been uplinked and downloaded, I've been inputted and outsourced. I know the upside of downsizing and the downside of upgrading. I'm a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond. I'm new wave, but I'm old school, and my inner child is outward bound. I'm a hot-wired, heat-seeking, warm-hearted cool customer, voice-activated and bio-degradable. I interface with my database, my database is in cyberspace, so I'm interactive, I'm hyperactive, and from time to time, I'm radio-active. Behind the 8-ball, ahead of the curve, riding the wave, dodging the bullet, pushing the envelope. I'm on point, on task, on message and off drugs; I got no need for Coke and Speed, I got no urge to binge and purge. I'm in the moment, on the edge, over the top but under the radar. A high-concept, low-profile, medium-range ballistic missionary, a street-wise smart-bomb, a top-gun bottom-feeder. I wear power ties, I tell power lies, I take power naps, I run victory laps. I'm a totally on-going big-foot slam-dunk rainmaker with a pro-active outreach, a raging workaholic, a working rage-a-holic, out of rehab, and in denial.
I got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal assistant, and a personal agenda. You can't shut me up, you can't dumb me down, cuz' I'm tireless and I'm wireless. I'm an alpha male on beta blockers. I'm a non-believer and an over-achiever, laid back, but fashion-forward. Up-front, down-home, low rent, high maintenance. Super-sized, long-lasting, high-definition, fast-acting, oven-ready and built to last. I'm a hands-on footloose knee-jerk head-case, prematurely post-traumatic, and I have a love child that sends me hate mail. But I'm feeling, I'm caring, I'm healing, I'm sharing. A supportive, bonding, nurturing primary caregiver. My output is down but my income is up. I take a short position on a long bond, and my revenue stream has its own cash flow. I read junk mail, I eat junk food, I buy junk bonds, I watch trash sports. I'm gender-specific, capital-intensive, user-friendly and lactose intolerant. I like rough sex, I like tough love, I use the F-word in my e-mail and my software on my hard drive is hardcore, no soft porn. I bought a microwave at a mini-mall, I bought a minivan at a mega-store. I eat fast food in the slow lane. I'm toll-free, bite-size, ready to wear, and I come in all sizes. A fully-equipped, factory-authorized, hospital-tested, clinically-proven, scientifically-formulated medical miracle. I've been pre-washed, pre-cooked, pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged, post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped, vacuum-packed, and I have an unlimited broadband capacity. I'm a rude dude, but I'm the real deal, lean and mean, cock-blocked and ready to rock. Rough, tough and hard to bluff. I take it slow, I go with the flow, I ride with the tide, I got glide in my stride. Driving and moving, sailing and spinning, jiving and grooving, wailing and winning. I don't snooze, so I don't lose, I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road, I party-hardy, and lunch-time is crunch-time. I'm hanging in, there ain't no doubt, and I'm hanging tough, OVER AND OUT.