|catch me, if you think you can|
Last night, when I was unable to sleep, I cried for the first time in a while.
I cried for having overdosed 3 and a half years ago, even though I don't actually regret it at all. It was a turning point in my life, and it had to happen sooner rather than later. I think it's something I just had to go through.
I cried cause I couldn't get the song that was on repeat from the time I decided to OD until I got back from the hospital was stuck in my head and I couldn't get it out.
I cried cause I told that "friend" about the overdose last week and I was vulnerable with him. I don't do vulnerable with people I barely know. I don't do opening up to people I don't know that well. But he was so bloody disarming that he got through all my barriers as easily as walking through an unlocked door.
I cried cause I overdosed partially due to the control some boy had over me. And I cried cause I felt I was letting it happen again. And because I felt used by the "friend". I don't exactly know why I feel that way, probably because he talked about some intense stuff but asked me loads about me and then after that night never even checked in or replied to my friendly text about movies.
I need stronger, thicker walls. I can't let people in that easily again. They need to earn my trust. He said I could trust him, but now I feel rather dismissed.
Granted, he's probably just busy. Forgot to reply or whatever. I do need to challenge my default responses to everything, especially situations like these.
Probably a good thing I have therapy later, I can talk to her about these things. I might actually show genuine, unrestrained emotion in front of her, something she says I'm very reluctant to do. It's true... I've wept a little in front of her once. And since then, even when I've felt like I wanted to, I've pulled it back. Saving face and all that.
Anyway, these things can be put on hold (I hope) until later. I need to tidy a bit while my hair dries a bit naturally, then blow dry it, run out to the cash machine, then take Catface to the vet...