Here I am; years since the bulk of this was written - and its still here.  I haven't logged on to OD in over a year, but fluidly, like reflex, I entered my username and password - and the vault opened with grandueur and gust that would make David Fincher proud.

Here I am: years since I was the struggling little boy trying to figure out who he was.

Well, I found him.  And now I'm struggling to get to know that boy, and ultimately, learn to like him.  My list of "are nots" is much longer than I thought it would be.

Sure, I've got a career those around me stare in respectful and supportive jealousy.  Of course, I've got an amazing group of friends.  If I want something I buy it.  If I really want to take time off work and go somewhere exotic, sure.  My plan is in motion - except, the machine I built to fix the problems did a different function when I turned it on.  

I found the man who completes me: and I don't complete him.  That's an incredibly hard thing to realize, much less begin to comprehend.  How do you tear out the stiches that naturally formed over time, creating a bond so intense and perfect.  Perfect except for one thing: it ain't gonna happen.  We are each other's everything but we sleep in separate beds.  He's the first person I talk to in the morning and the last person I talk to at night (usually, aside from the frequent booty-call texts to comparative strangers).   He's the only person I can think about when I'm out on a date or in someone else's arms.  For only a moment, to be held by him, time would fade away and cease to exist, just for that minute. 

Its not fair; after the last four years of grueling heartache, to have something so right consuming my life yet perpetually 2-inches from manifesting, its not fair. 

I've hurt a lot of guys so far; and what I feel is a cumulative gnawing of the sum of those actions, a resonating revenge of the universe.  

 I hear you - you've made your point.  You can stop poking me with a stick.

(Hi, OD.  I've missed you.)

- Tom

Song of the 'mo:  The Avett Brothers - "Salina"