I know it's been ever so long since I've written. Life happens so quickly sometimes and you just have to take a step back while it passes. If you try to interfere, you get swept up in the undertoe, tossed around in the ocean and you are never heard from again. Sometimes it's scary to just sit back and watch as your life gets so out of control and at times it may seem hopeless. I know it does for me right now. I feel so unbelievably hopeless.
Today was a beautiful day. The sun was shining and there were hardly any clouds. But it was so cold. 45 degrees. As bright as it was, it felt cold and dark. Like I could barely see passed my own hand. Is it me or is it the life that I live in. i really don't want to be here and I'm pretty sure I'm leaving soon after we start. I hope I make it to the next break. I just want to be with Dana. I should have never starrted back up. I wonder if I can make it like a work study thing... Jus ask him what to do and have it done for class. That way I won't have to be here when I don't want to. Because I have the desire to leave right now. God, I hate winter. I don't know what to do about it. I just wish I still had a job and maybe things would be better. I wouldn't be in the house all by myself all day and I will have that people interaction that I need. By the time I get to school, it's too late. All I want to do is be home. Maybe I could start day classes. But then when I get a job, it will have to be a night job. And I won't want to be there. I just wish I knew what to do with myself. Sometimes I feel like the only person I have anymore is Dana. She has become my happiness. I just want to be with her. I never thought I could have feelings like these for anyone else but Tabitha. Dana has proven me wrong. I grow to love her more and more and regret sometimes that our relationship has ended. Now I don't know who or what I want. I know I'm not ready for the instant family. There are so many things I want to do. I want to see Alaska. I couldn't really do that with Dana. She has two wonderful kids to take care of. She can't just abandon them. Tabitha on the other hand has nothing holding her back. She's more my age and has the same goals. But Dana is all the affection I could ever want or need. There is so much more emotional support than Tabitha has ever given me. My teacher wants us to know that he's proud of all of us. Must be nice. I don't feel like I'm anything to be proud of. I want to leave already. I can't believe it.