*Just a note, this entry is backdated to the day it happened. When I wrote this I was comming down off crystal meth (which, I don't do anymore :) )*
Jr, Bao, Paul and I were all sitting on the bed in JR's room talking at around 3 in the morning. Earlyer that day JR had said the he expected us out by January and told us that he was moving to his sister's apartment to start college. My best friend was leaving me. I was no better than my predicessor ((long storey)). Atleast thats what I thought.
JR and I layed on the bed propped and I was trying to tell him that he was one of the most influantal people in my life and that he saved my life many times without knowing it. And even when I didn't need to count on him - He was always there.
I started off saying ' Because I don't show much intrest in girls I don't consider myself straight.
I told him that I knew him from english class before we started hanging out and I said that I had thought to myself that he looked like someone I'd want to hang out with because he seemed cool, collected and popular.
"I thought you were cute" I busted through the silance with the only thing I thought could change the current situation.
Jr was just lisiting to me talk the whole time, I couldn’t bare to look at him. I was terrified that I would see anger, disgust, or hatred.
I couldn’t breath. My whole body felt light. All of these years I was so afraid that people would shun or pity me. It was the reason I hadn’t ever even breathed a word that I might be gay.
"Jr.." I said almost unable to talk. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I couldn’t tell if I was happy or sad. " When I said that I considered myself Bisexual, I was lieing.. I’ve konwn that I’ve only liked guys since the fourth grade."
I asked Jr if he ever had reason to belive that I was gay and he said that I had my moments, but he always thought of me as straight.
I asked , " Are you okay with the fact that I’m... Gay..?" Which was very hard to say.
As soon as we finished talking, I had so many things to tell him. I told him that I had a crush on him from when I saw him the first time in class up until recently.
It was then I remembered one of my fears. I was afraid that because now he knew, we couldn’t still have fun. I didn’t want to stop wrestling, or joking around like we always did. I liked our friendship before and I wanted it to become better with me telling him, not drive us apart.
I didn’t know how to explain that I knew the difference. I couldn’t find the words to tell him that being gay wasn’t on my mind all the time. It wasn’t who I was, but a part of me; I was scared that although jr may not judge me, he wouldn’t ever want to touch me, or to say a joke that I would be able to ‘read into’
jr reasured me that things could only change for the better. I felt like in the middle of my chest, weights had been lifted off.
It had felt like al of my years of silance had been accumulated in a bottle of sorts, and had been released.
I asked him if he wanted to go on the roof and watch the sun rise.
The funny thing is, that every morning I’d wake up.. The fog would slowley clear from my head and I’d realize what I’d have to battle all day. And that even in my wildest imagination I didn’t expect this to be.. The day I spoke.