*Just a note, this entry is backdated to the day it happened. When I wrote this I was comming down off crystal meth (which,  I don't do anymore :) )*
((Bao is my room mate and JR is my best friend/roomate, and Paul is a friend))

Jr, Bao, Paul and I were all sitting on the bed in JR's room talking at around 3 in the morning. Earlyer that day JR had said the he expected us out by January and told us that he was moving to his sister's apartment to start college. My best friend was leaving me. I was no better than my predicessor ((long storey)). Atleast thats what I thought.
Later on at around 4 or 5am, we were all just laying and talking about stupid things and I felt I needed to talk to  JR alone. Bao and Paul went into Baos room to probably smoke more.

JR and I layed on the bed propped and I was trying to tell him that he was one of the most influantal people in my life and that he saved my life many times without knowing it. And even when I didn't need to count on him - He was always there.

I started off saying ' Because I don't show much intrest in girls I don't consider myself straight.
JR asked, "..So you're Bi?"
I was trying so hard to explain myself, I felt like I was being accused. I tryed to say something to cover up to make dig myself out of the hole that I had quickly dug. But I was too choked up. My hands were sweaty and my muscles really tense. I was more nervose than I had been in a long time.
I told JR that a lot of the time I faked being straight, That I knew what girls were pretty, what made them desiarble, but that I wasn't really intrested.

I told him that I knew him from english class before we started hanging out and I said that I had thought to myself that he looked like someone I'd want to hang out with because he seemed cool, collected and popular.
We started talking more about my sexuality and I told him " I Guess I would consider myself Bi because I am more attarced to guys than girls.." there was silance. I couldn't look him in the eyes. He was stairing at my quietly.. Not saying a word. I wished he would of said anything, even yelled. The silance made me feel like I was being examed.. I hated it.

"I thought you were cute" I busted through the silance with the only thing I thought could change the current situation.
My whole body felt like it was yelling at me "ARE YOU FUCKING INSAINE!?" my stomach was doing flips.. I felt faint. I had been turning the idea around in my head, that i was in love with him. But I couldn't even talk about it to anyone, yet here I was telling my best friend something that might ruin our friendship.. Something I cherished more than a lot of things...

Jr was just lisiting to me talk the whole time, I couldn’t bare to look at him. I was terrified that I would see anger, disgust, or hatred.

‘..thanks..’

I couldn’t breath. My whole body felt light. All of these years I was so afraid that people would shun or pity me. It was the reason I hadn’t ever even breathed a word that I might be gay.

"Jr.." I said almost unable to talk. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I couldn’t tell if I was happy or sad. " When I said that I considered myself Bisexual, I was lieing.. I’ve konwn that I’ve only liked guys since the fourth grade."

I asked Jr if he ever had reason to belive that I was gay and he said that I had my moments, but he always thought of me as straight.
I told him that I felt that there were two parts of me. The one that was checking out other guys and the part that was covering it up, and setting pitfalls.
Every time someone would try to make the connection that I longed for, I would feel such guilt and remorse that I wouldn’t allow anything to happen..

I asked , " Are you okay with the fact that I’m... Gay..?" Which was very hard to say.
His replyed " I’m a pretty open guy, I wouldn’t judge you like that. Im a buch better friend that that.." He told me that even though now he knew I was gay that I was still the same person I had always been, because I was gay before.
I told him EVERYTHING, about how I hated to lie to anyone, because I felt like I was lieing all the time anyways and I didn’t want to make it worse. About how keeping up with all the lies took up a lot of my time. I told him that he could of asked me if I was gay a thousand times and each time my answer would of been a resounding ‘No’ although in my head I was probably screaming yes.

As soon as we finished talking, I had so many things to tell him. I told him that I had a crush on him from when I saw him the first time in class up until recently.
I told him that when we wrestled and played around I liked to let him be the one in controll. Jr laughed and said he noticed that a loong time ago

It was then I remembered one of my fears. I was afraid that because now he knew, we couldn’t still have fun. I didn’t want to stop wrestling, or joking around like we always did. I liked our friendship before and I wanted it to become better with me telling him, not drive us apart.

I didn’t know how to explain that I knew the difference. I couldn’t find the words to tell him that being gay wasn’t on my mind all the time. It wasn’t who I was, but a part of me; I was scared that although jr may not judge me, he wouldn’t ever want to touch me, or to say a joke that I would be able to ‘read into’

jr reasured me that things could only change for the better. I felt like in the middle of my chest, weights had been lifted off.

It had felt like al of my years of silance had been accumulated in a bottle of sorts, and had been released.
I told Josh who I thought was cute, and what kind of guys I liked. I told him what turned me on ( aka what not to do). My scattered previous encounters. I told Josh every little thing that had happened between my old best friend and I, things that him (my old friend) and I still don't talk about.. At that point I realized what I wanted from jr, just someone to be able to talk freely with, without converting everything I tought in to straight, before saying it.

I asked him if he wanted to go on the roof and watch the sun rise.
So up we went, with blankets and looked at the mass of clouds for a while before the sun slowley started to crest. Josh listened to me babble on and on . I asked him questions about straight sex, and he asked me who I liked.

The funny thing is, that every morning I’d wake up.. The fog would slowley clear from my head and I’d realize what I’d have to battle all day. And that even in my wildest imagination I didn’t expect this to be.. The day I spoke.

-Me