This christmas, I will be entirely alone. My first christmas out of my parents house, and my first chrismas by myself. No presents, no food ( Yeah, no food in the house at all) no friends. Nothing except for the internet.

I have a few gay friends (who have no clue that I'm gay) and I wish I could tell them exactley how I felt about... everything. But my personality - I am a loner, a trooper. I have never completley needed anyone else, I've always made it through everything by sheer will and brute mental force. Maybe its just thick headednes? At anyrate, I don't know what I should do. I don't think that just because I'm not trying as hard to hide who I am, I should totally change. I mean, I am still the same person, right?
Ugh.. Theres just so many problems, I feel like I can't form what I want to think into anything other than feelings.
I don't understand what I'm thinking, and I know that I should, I've had so long to think about it. But it seems all different now. I've always thought about how I would tell people, and how to hide who I am, but never what to do once I got out. I'm afraid to date, and petrified (no pun intended) of sex.
If I had one wish, it would be to be straight. Because thats who I am. I wouldn't have to change a thing about me, I could just be the Me that I  am now. But really, Its not who I am, ya know? I am happy for what I've become (mostley), and I know I probably would be happier being completley out. But I don't want to. Maybe.. the time will come when I will just be ready?

I guess I just want someone to watch the stars with.
I want someone to say that I can love, and feel loved back.

I want to be happy.

-Me