I am over this Rielly thing. If I'm the only one contributing and wanting to be his friend then that is his loss. I need someone who will pick me up, not bring me down. Someone who will take me closer the Daddy. Someone who I can trust and who is always there for me. Rielly is not that person...at all. If I tell him this and he completely blows up and takes it out of preportion then that is his problem. Sure I will feel bad that I lost a friend...then again was he really a friend if he's not willing to stick by me through this? No, not really.
Another thing is...Benjamin. I don't know how I ever forgot him for that short period of time. Well, I don't think I ever forgot him, bc who can forget him. But he showed me that he didn't forget me. He showed me what a true friend would do. Rielly shrivels in comparrision to Benjamin. I love him so much. Benjamin is so wonderful to me. Today I talked to him on the phone and I was crying. Some was bc I survived this year of school..and 3 days is all I have left...then it's over. Some tears were me breaking down and finally admitting I was totally wrong with this whole Rielly thing. Other tears were for me feeling like I don't deserve Benjamin. If he reads this he will think, "How is that possible, I'm the one that doesn't deserve her." He said for all of eternity he'll never be able to pay Daddy back for the gift (me) Daddy gave him. Benjamin went on about what an impact I had made on his life and how he cared first and formost that I was okay with Daddy. That I wasn't letting Daddy down and wasn't comprimising away from Daddy. Would Rielly do that...no!
Today I really was comparing Rielly to Benjamin and finding that Benjamin was so much more worth while and so much more worth my time. Benjamin is the one that deserves my smiles and my like and my love. I don't know what I was thinking with wanting to give Rielly all of that.
Thank you Benjamin for helping me today. You really did help me and you know it. You are so wonderful...so so so wonderful. I guess I am back where I started before this whole Rielly thing began. Except, I have conquered, I have made it through this valley, over this hill, through this conlfict..whatever you want to call it.
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
"No temptaion has seized you except what is common to man, and the Lord is faithful. He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bare. But when you are tempted He will always provide a way out, so that you may stand up under it."
Those verses played a major part also in my "revival".
I guess all I have to do now is tell Rielly...what do I tell him? Well, whatever I choose to say I know it will probably end the "friendship" we have/had...not bc of me, but bc of him. If it's not God's will for me to have a good guy friend at school then that is that. I am sure I can handle having people like Benjamin be my good guy friends. People as wonderful as him, as caring as him, as loving as him, as devoted as him, as funny and lovable as him are very rare. Whether he started out that way doesn't matter. I know that right here, right now that is what he is to me.
Whether Benjamin reads this or not, I will make sure and tell him how special he is to me. And Daddy will stand and watch saying, "It is good this friendship they have, bc I Am the foundation for this love they have aquired for eachother." I know that I can trust Benjamin to keep Daddy there between us, bringing us together, the link between us. Right now all I can hope for is that this link would last for...forever.