*disclaimer* alot has happened in my life in the past 5 months, and I expect this entry will make sense to exactly nobody reading it - with the possible exception of michelle if she comes on here anymore. I just wanted to get this stuff written down somewhere that I can. Don't come to conclusions based on past entries - if you do, they'll be wrong. Leave me a note or ask on msn and i'll explain whatever.*end disclaiimer*



So I was looking at a picture today, and it triggered none of the feelings that the same one did even just this weekend. Which of course had me crying, because thats just how I am. Seriously, they say a picture is worth a thousand words... well maybe that's true on msn, or if the words are descriptive, but I would much prefer the words - a well-timed phone call, or another day (or more!) in your presence, would be more than I could possibly hope for at this point. It's only been a week since I left your city - two since I saw you last - and yet I'm already forgetting. How will I survive another year of this? And what would I trade to be able to actually feel some of the things that I was able to not so long ago? To hear your voice in my head telling me that everything's okay, as you did that time beneath the stars, and have it comfort me and bring an end to my tears. Or look at a picture of you and actually feel some of the magic and warmth that prompted me to throw a shirt at my laptop last friday - or even better, that which i could actually feel in your presence. Maybe you'll look at my space and call me - I can only hope. And yet... is it really too much to ask, when it would cost you nothing aside from a few moments of your time? I gave you the pin for my phonecard that i bought during my stay, and you know that if i get homesick it isn't for this land where i am now. why i didn't call you when i had the chance before i left - one last opportunity to reach you with a local phone call - i do remember, but i wish i had known what a stupid reason that was. ages work differently there, and its about time i remembered that. perhaps i should've called you anyways. yes, i should have - and i may yet. but its only been a day since we talked on msn - was it that recently? - and i don't want to rush things, or make a pest of myself. would you believe i can't even remember the sound of your voice anymore? so soon... too soon. time and distance are what we make of them, i know this, and yet in this seemingly-real physical realm it is so hard to envision you being anywhere other than the opposite side of the world. i should go to sleep - that's part of my problem - but i'm not even remotely tired. nor do i expect i will be anytime soon. after all, i was sleeping when i could've had a few more precious hours with you - if only i had trusted my instincts and woke up when that other girl did. maybe then.... perhaps my subconscious would be at peace, and not hate or envy a girl who got what i would've liked. perhaps there's still hope for me. i do love you, much as i have tried to fight it. and at the same time, i wonder if i really do - or if its just a ploy to convince my friends (and myself, for that matter) that i have forgotten about another who once held a special place in my heart. i think i would've forgotten him much quicker if it wasn't for the events preceeding our meeting, but i can't pretend feelings and emotions that i don't have. maybe i'll go raid my stash of chocolates. i don't want it to disappear too soon though, and at this rate it'll be gone in a month and i'll be begging on my msn list for people to send me more. i wish you were here. please, just take away this mess i've fallen into.