It is the end of March and cold enough for jackets. You have to understand, around here, it's not uncommon to wear short sleeves and shorts at Christmas.


Anyway, for my minor update. The back no longer hurts. It cleared up in a week. I'm back to normal. I went to get my depo (birth control). As part of any visit, they weighed me. I officially weigh 300lbs. Do you know how upset I am? 300 has been my cut off for a years, as I've bounced around 280-295. I can't seem to get the weight to go away. I'm just too tired. So perhaps the idea is to change/cut down what I eat? My mother and sister were both only able to lose the weight through near starvation. (In hindsight, I suspect my mother developed an eating disorder.) I don't want to go that route. I like to eat. I am aware it is cliché, yes, thank you. I comfort eat, also. When I'm bored or lonely, or upset, which seems to make up a good chunk of my life. I am currently a size 26. The new goal is a size 20. I'll work up a new goal as I meet them. I eventually would like to be a 10 or 12.

Got my hair cut, finally. It needed it badly. Got most of the split ends and had it layer. Used a girl recommended by a work friend. I will use her again. I had been going to Great Clips (its a chain, so some of you might know of it). They make me nervous. Their scissor fingers get itchy when they see me and my long hair. I'm trying to grow my hair out to my hips. It's about midway down my back now, still considered super long, but not what I'm looking for. So I'm committing myself to regular trims, for the first time in my life. I'm looking up ways to curl it, since I've always liked the way it looks. I'm looking up no heat versions first, since I don't want to fry my hair. But I do have hot rollers, curling irons, and cheap little foam rollers.

I feel like I'm letting myself go. I've put on weight, I've lost interest in make-up and my hair. I used to put effort in my appearance. But I work in a place that discourages jewellery, hair dye, fingernail polish, etc. Some of it is state law, since I work in a fast food restaurant. Make-up, while not exactly discouraged, will mostly melt off you face in the heat. We are required, by law, to wear a hair covering and the company opts for baseball-style hats. So my hair styles are limited. I've been in this line of work for four and half- five years now. (I never meant for the job to end up a career, but that's how it goes when the economy goes bad and you live in a large town. This place isn't quiet big enough to qualify as a small city.) I'm looking for a way out, but in the meantime, I want to reclaim myself. I used to care. But somewhere along the way, I sort of gave up. I'm sure there are tons of women out there who understand exactly what I'm talking about. I haven't worn make-up in so long that I now feel the weight of it. There was a time I felt naked without it. So that's the current project. To reclaim myself.

Also, I plan to plant a veggie garden this year. Wish my luck as I have very little idea about what I'm doing. I haven't put my plants in the ground yet, but I will do so around Easter, just before Good Friday.