I am starting to feel it! I have a gut feeling that I'm not going to make the cut at work! It has nothing to do with my performance; it's just how city politics and policies work. Let go of the hourlies first. I just want to KNOW for certain already so that I can get over it and seriously start looking for a job. Or start on some other plan of action.
I think my boss is paying for an appreciation lunch tomorrow for his employees... We have an "appreciation lunch" tomorrow, which I presume is because we may be losing our jobs. Since there is no budget to fund such a lunch, I can only imagine that my boss, who is really a great person, has paid for and arranged a lunch for us. It says, "whatever the outcome, I appreciate what you have done for your organization."
A few of my coworkers today had a mini potluck. Morale is low, and it does us a good bit to enjoy each other's company.
It's been 3 days since i've properly conversed with Mike. Writing these things out helps me gain a little perspective on the situation. Mike is a man of very few words, yet at work, he's funny, charming, and lively. He has inside jokes, outside jokes, and gives advice on friends and family issues to his students. There is none of that with me. I blame it on his parents' frigid marriage life, but I shouldn't have to be punished for that. I've been distancing myself from him, and I'm sure he's noticed, but he's taken no initiative to meet with me to talk it over. There is so much he holds back - both good and bad - and it just feels like talking to a brick wall. I think that being with him has made me a stronger person because he leaves me be, but there are times like now when I need someone to be kind to me and support me. Whenever I'm feeling crummy and ask Mike how I can make things better, he just tells me to go for a run. I've brought this up before many times, but he just honestly doesn't know what to do. It's hard to hold him accountable when he really doesn't know what he's doing wrong. But I need someone to take care of me. He's so calm ALL the time that I asked him if he's ever considered if he's a sociopath. He hesitated a second, but his tone was cool when he replied "No." At least if it were a disagreement, it would show that both sides care enough to get their points across. Mike just doesn't seem to care.
I probably should just discuss this with him.
WWW, it's been eating at me for a long time now, but I feel really really bad that I never took up your offer to set me up with your husband's coworker. I was hung up on my relationship status at the time, but I was also still very much under my mom's control. The learned helplessness and the anxiety of meeting someone new that my mom would again not approve of was too much for me. My mom NEVER likes anyone that I date without even meeting him, and it's really a traumatic experience. It is absolutely mortifying and utterly degrading to have my mom verbally dress down someone that I like and respect in front of said person. My mom has not met my fiance whom I've been with for FOUR YEARS, and she still refuses to meet him over her dead body; there was a failed sneak attack attempt last year which my cousins were trying to help me with. So WWW, it's really not that you overstepped your boundaries. I am really truly grateful from the bottom of my heart that I have friends that care enough to try to help me in that way. Maybe in another lifetime, when I believe in my own choices more, I would definitely accept your gracious offer, WWW. Just not now because I do have a fiance! lol Also that guy may be married already, for all I know!
I forgot how much I enjoy writing here. Thanks for pulling me back in, WWW. Writing my crazy and deep dark fears here is a little bit like tooth extraction. As much as it hurts pulling it out, it would be a heck of a lot worse keeping it in. Later on, I can look at the rotten extracted teeth and marvel in my own growth! I feel like writing keeps me grounded, while keeping it in slowly poisons my world view. I will try to keep this habit up.
Sigh... what to do now... If I lose my job, I'd have all the time in the world to make crafts and sell them on Etsy. That could be fun and lucrative. My friend owns the sushi section of a grocery store in Culver City. That seems appealing too. Low risk, relatively easy. Not too much of a start up cost either. The franchise headquarters of the supermarket sushi section was hiring too. Maybe I'll apply there to feel it out.