Yesterday I completely broke down. I had to write a paper, and as I sat in front of the computer and read the assignment, I literally couldn't process the sentences. I would read the words, but I couldn't comprehend. I just had this overall feeling of helplessness- like I couldn't function like a normal human being. I sat there, staring into the computer screen, tears streaming down my face. I decided to leave. I went to Bryan's room, and he talked to me. We decided to go to the doctor. She (not an actual doctor) and I decided that I needed to be re-evaluated, so I'm going in on Wednesday.

We also decided that I should ask for an incomplete in one of my classes (meaning that I would have the summer to finish the work for the course, and it wouldn't affect my grade). I had been crying all day- once I start, the simplest thing will set me off, and it's really just a lost cause. As I walked into the class with my letter from the woman at the doctor’s office asking the professor to give me the incomplete, I was really scared. I feel so defeated.

This professor is absolutely my favorite. He's this adorable gay man in his late 50's, and I'm completely in love with him. During the break, I talked with him, and before I even opened my mouth, I started crying again. He was so sweet- he told me to stop crying, that there was nothing wrong, that he would definitely give me the incomplete, and not to worry- just focus on me getting better- and even that if I needed him to talk to any of my other professors that he would. And as I'm standing there crying my heart out, all I can think is that I really want a hug. I suppose I'm just the type of person that has no problem just hugging people that I don't really know- it's just a natural thing- maybe because I grew up in the theatre- or not, I'm not sure. And next thing I know, he reaches out for a hug. I can't think of a nicer person in the whole world.

After I got home, I ordered Chinese and watched some Law and Order. I went to my room and realized that Olive was acting strange. For those who don't know who Olive is, she is my pet rat and the namesake of this journal. She was shaking and her heart rate was racing. She was panting, and not moving. I tried to get her to eat or drink, and she wouldn't. I called the vet, but no one would see me without an up front payment- which I didn't have. No one would bill me. I ended up sleeping with her on my stomach and waking up at two-hour intervals to check up on her. She just laid there in my hands with her head resting on me.

First thing when I woke up, I went to look for a computer so I could find a vet- I thought maybe in normal business hours someone would bill me. I went to my friend Ben's room, and only his roommate was there. Background story: he and I met one night first semester when both of us were fairly intoxicated, and ended up spending the night together. After that, it was weird, and he was unnecessarily rude to me. Needless to say, we don't really get along too well. Now, when I see someone that I dislike or am in a position like this with, for some reason, I don't like them to see me when I look like shit. However, he opens the door and sees me: up half the night worrying sick about Olive, my greasy hair in a haphazard ponytail, sweat pants and an oversized sweatshirt that belongs to much larger friend Bryan, a little smudged mascara, and a limp rat in my hands. I tell him that I think she's dying and that I need to use a computer. He stares at me with this look of pity, and I really don't like it. He says I can use the computer, and I sit down not facing him. As I'm looking up a vet, Olive starts to convulse. After a minute, she's limp. I realize that she died, and walk out of the room without saying anything. I tell Riely and the other girls in my room, and take a shower.

I have to finish this later as I am being booted out of the lab.

Back. And, a forewarning, this is now ending up to be a stoned entry.

So I got ready, put on a sheer black t-shirt and some rolled up jeans, a black ribbon in my hair and some black flip flops, dark sunglasses and dark eye makeup. It was a day of mourning. I made up invitations:

Olive Martini

Has passed from this life to the next

today on April 28th, 2004. We request

that you attend her funeral service

today at 4:00pm. We will meet under

the bridge and dinner will immediately

follow at University Dining Services.

Please wear black.

My mom picked me up to cash a paycheck, and brought me to target and we bought a trowel. About fifteen people showed up for the funeral. We walked down to the river (Mississippi) and each dug up a scoop of dirt and put it in the box. We said the Hail Mary, sang Amazing Grace, and I set the box in the river. As we watched the box float away, we shared our favorite Olive Stories. It was really fun, actually.

I'm really going to miss the people here. Tonight we sat in the grass and smoked. Just sat there. Had random conversations, laid in eachothers' laps/legs/stomachs, and just made a mess of ourselves. Solitude is something that I get far too little of, but I've really become used to living somewhere where most of my friends lived in the same building as me, where seeing someone is just a barefoot in my pajamas walk up the stairs, and somewhere where I can be awake at 3am and lonely and walk around and find someone- or when I can just go out and have a cigarette and be almost guaranteed to be joined by someone I know- it's nice.

After sitting in the grass, I went and talked to Dan for a while, started writing this entry, then was invited to smoke with John, Kyle, Matt, and Donovan. On the way up, saw some of the friends I have in the BFA program. They were on their way down to smoke, and had each brought an instrument with them. I thought: what a great idea. So I resolve to fix my guitar string and go play by the river while smoking some pot.

And apparently, I'm a druid half-elf. hah.