Have I ever been in love? Has anyone really? I mean it is so damn hard to tell the difference between love and lust. I'm not saying that currently I am in that situation, but I think about the people I know who are in that situation and wonder if what the feel is truly love, or just lust. I think that it is almost impossible to differentiate between them. My mom, for example, does not believe in pre-marital love, "Love develops AFTER two people are married, not before". I mean that line is so bogus to me; it's like if that's the case, then why not get involved and marry just any body? Sure, that may have been the case for my parents, they barely knew one another before they were married, but maybe they were just lucky. The hard part is that there is no way to tell if it is something that was meant to last; how can anyone be so sure? I don't even know why I'm writing about this subject since I'm not even in lust let alone in love at the moment (stil I can't make out the difference, but all I know is that I feel neither at the moment; I guess this sort of topic is not quite a stretch given all my previous entries. Now, when I think about my previous entries I always wonder why I am so obseesd with the concpets of love and what not. I think that I think too much, especially about this topic. I don't know what it is about love, maybe because I'm not sure if I have ever really experienced it or not, but there is just something insdide of me that always wonders. I have never beem in a serious relationship, so that automatically eliminates mutual love; but I used to think I was in love with some one, but now I'm not so sure (either way it doesn't matter because it was not mutual). I guess I just want some one, somebody to "feel" for me as I "feel" for them. "It will come to you when you aren't looking for it" is a line that I always get, but seriously, is anybody ever NOT looking for that special relationship? I find it hard to believe otherwise. I mean who would want to miss out on something that could potentially be great? Sure at the same time it could end in total and utter disaster, but I think that is a rist that everyone needs to take at some point or another in their lives...
The ironic thing about my neurosis, is that I have to do a 45 minute presentation on Love for my positive psychology class in a few days. I find this sort of comical given my obsession with this topic and just everything else about my past experience with "love". Maybe I am trying too hard to find it, or maybe I'm not trying hard enough. Who really knows? But either way an obsession is an obsession, even if it isn't necessarily a bad obsession to have. Ok, I'm not some total lunatic that goes around stalking people and all that, but when I say obsession, I simlpy mean that I am fascinated with how this "feeling" evolves within an individual, and if they are lucky, within two individuals and this "feeling" becomes mutual. That is what I am obsessed about. I just want my time to come. At the age of 20, I know that I am still young and that I have a lot ahead of me, but sometimes I scare myself into believing that I may never find such a bond, and that to me is one of the most terrifying things that I can imagine. I cannot explain why I feel this way, maybe I'm self-conscious or have low self-esteem or what ever, but what I do know for sure is that I don't want to end up alone. Is that do bad?
Here I am blabbing along to no one about my psychosis (haha) but for some reason my mind won't stop thining and my fingers won't stop typing. Maybe that makes me crazy (haha) or maybe that just makes me human... there really is a fine line when it comes to certain topics, and I think this is one of them...