|Lost in Translation of Self|
I don't know why I had this dream. It is weird that I have it now, because the scene that was in my dream was one that had really happened to me, it happened a year ago. But in my dream, the even was so vivid, I even felt the feelings that I had been feeling at the time. Maybe I had this dream in response to my previous entry on love, or maybe this is just natures way of messing with my mind who knows. This is what happened.
I was on vacation in New York City (from Egypt) and I was there with a few friends, and my best friend whom i was in 'love' with. We were staying at his house for a week, and teh whole time I was there, it felt as if--this is going to sound so stupid--we were really together even though there were three other people staying in the house at the time. I found myself doing chores that I normally wouldn't do at home, and I guess I thought that if he saw me doing these sort of household duties, then he would think of me as more than just a friend, and finally want me, love me in the way that I think that I loved him. One night, we went to a club in the Village called Webster Hall. It was this four floor club that has different styles of music on each floor. Anyways, we were four people going to the club. Me and my best friend Oz, and my cousin and my other close friend (who also is my counsin's girlfriend); so of course, to make my life a living hell, it was that type of outing where there is always an awkwardness because one friend who is single feels obligated to dance with the other single person, and I know he didn't want to--you see he knows that I was in love with him, he probably still thinks that I am. I felt bad because I felt that he felt obligated to keep me company. But it felt kind of like an insult, as if I 'needed' him to keep me company, that I couldn't have a good time without him by meeting someone new. To my delight, while the two of us were dancing, some dud came in between us and pushed him away from me, and started to dance with me, Oz got mad for soem reason, and shoved the guy out of the way. Ha, serves Oz right, I hope he was jealous.
After a while, we moved to the next floor. We started dancing again to Pussy Cat Dolls' "Don't cha" I think it was. He then gave me a look that I have never seen him give me before, He was staring at me straight in the eyes, he had never done that before. I don't know if it was my imagination, or if he was just messing with me to keep me wanting him, or what, but whatever the intent, it worked. Then, he started to inch closer toward me. Closer... closer... closer... But I backed away from him, and I don't know why. I guess I didn't want to get even more attached to him, and then end up heartbroken over him as per usual. I loved him. But he never loved me like that... Later on when we left the club, we went to eat at McDonalds at 5 in the morning. And as we all were getting out of Oz's car, a guy pulls up next to me and starts hitting on me. Of course I loved it--he was hot and so was his car, so I wasn't going to complain--but of course, Oz got mad. The thing is, I cannot claim that I was happy that he was mad, because tehre is a fine line between jealousy and just being protective of you best friend; maybe it was both, who knows... Yes, I loved him.
So, since these events actually happened to me, can I really call it a dream?
As long as I've known Oz, I've always wanted him. But I have been over him for almost a year now--well at least I think I am. But over the years, I learned that it would never be, so I had no choice but to stop loving him and stop everything else...
A thousand times I wanted to take his hand, and a thousand times I stopped myself...