So much has changed in me this summer.
So many things I have come to terms with.
For the first time in a long time, I'm happy.
I've had an amazing summer so far.
I just got back from my vacation in Seattle and I'm blissfully content.
I did not have to hide who I was on this trip.
I didn't have to act like anyone but myself.
And, aside from when I broke my toe on the last day, I didn't cry.
I was perfectly happy being me.
I was able to think... a lot... about everything.
Some of it hurt to think about.
You know how when you have a scab, it just begs to be torn off?
So you pick at it and pick at it and when it comes off, you bleed again?
You may have thought you were healed,
but you weren't
but it helps, becuase now you are reminded of what happened and you can think on it.
Learn from your mistakes.
Hold On,even though it hurts too.
I'm so glad I was able to leave, to get away.
So Peaceful, so relaxing.
I rarely go on vacations.
And my family (brother, mom, dad, and I) have only been on two vactaions all together.
I'm sad my Mom and my Dad didn't come, but.... it helped.
It was so different from SOE.
At SOE, I felt the need to hide and disguise myself.
(I'm not ready for college)
but in Seattle, I could be my normal weird self.
I love it.
Now that it's over, I miss it horribly.
But the good thing is that I've learned so much about myself, that I can't wait for school to start.
I've come to terms with who I am this summer.
All my faults.
All my good qualities.
I truely know who I am now.
I worry a little about how my friends are going to react to this... sense of confidence I now have.
I wonder if it makes me look egotisical.
But a lot of people know what it's like to be lost in yourself, lost in your mind.
I've finally found my way out.
I used to get sick all the time.
Headache, nausea, dizziness...
No I feel better.
For the first time in three years, I woke up and I didn't throw up.
I always get sick in the morning.
Ever since I started high school.
And for the first time, I didn't.
I cried... at five in the morning I was sitting up in the bed in Erik and Kristen's condo and I was sobbing.
It was so... amazing.
Life is hard.
Life is confusing.
You lose your way a lot.
You want to turn to things- drugs, alcohal, suicide, addiction- just to get rid of the pain of living.
But, when you truely know who you are and what's out their for you to do,
Wow... I sound like a motivational speaker, but it's true.
When you fall flat one your face.
When you're at your lowest point.
Something helps you pick yourself off of the floor and you say.
"No More. I'm sick of this. I don't want to be this way anymore."
So you toss aside your masks and your depression and you live.
For what seems like the first time, you live a full day.
And you wake up the next morning and when everything feels different, you take a deep breath.
And you cry.
You are crying to get rid of the last bits of posion in you.
Whatever it was that you hurting you leaves and you cry.
You cry for your life, and what a mess it is.
For your family, and how you hurt them.
For your friends, and how you hide from them.
And for the world, and how you lied to it.
But the whole time,
It's truely, blissfully, innocently joyful.
And you pick yourself up,
And you greet the day.