I fear madness and death and yet at the same time I welcome them both. Not always. I don’t always welcome them but I do at times. I guess its a way out isn’t it. Death and complete madness are both an escape. I haven’t been able to sleep for 3 days. I am sure I have slept some but I don’t know how much. I feel so tired but I cant sleep or even rest well. I think I do things to help me sleep like taking a long walk and even though its bone chillingly col I do it. I find myself dreaming while I am walking and I flash awake somewhere along the walk and think to myself how did I get here? Not how did I get here like how did I get outside but how did I get so far along the walk. I used to do that while driving. Id forget how I got where I was. I wonder if I have some mental illness. I fear mental illness. A number of women have called me a sociopath. Women are all liars and trite liars at that so I never believe anything they say but it does make me wonder. I was reading today about serial killers. I don’t read much but I have read about serial killers on a few occasions. Id be lying if I said I have never thought to kill someone or even a number of someones. I hate knowing things about myself. You know something I have always found to be a nice feeling is the feeling you get when someone else is getting to know you and they like you and they are interested. They see so much potential in you and for a moment you feel,, clean. If I could forget myself I could have that feeling forever maybe. No that wouldn’t work. For one id find new things to feel tainted by and for two I wouldn’t remember I felt dirty so why would I feel clean? Id just feel lost. Which is what I am I guess. I know men are all liars to those who will point that out in some misguided attempt at feminism. I endeavor to lie better. Haha that sentence just popped into my head and I enjoyed the lyrical sound of it. I fantasies that someone is reading this and it matters to them and then I find myself thinking how pathetic and that I should simply write for me and not be concerned with an audience however I were to simply write for me why would I need to post it here or even write it out at all couldn’t I just as easily think for me? I am lazy after all and all this typing is unnecessary if its just for me.

Fuck me I have been extra depressed lately and angry and scared. I wish I could sleep.

I made potato soup today. I didn’t follow a recipe I just made it from my imagination. It came out pretty good but next time it will be awesome. I think im setting a new record for spelling mistakes and just miss-typed words in this fucker. Don’t worry imaginary audience ill spell check before posting. Julie ate 3 bowls of my soup. She loved it. She came home and said she wanted something potatoey and so I hopped on it pronto. Its the least I could do right?

I spent the last couple of days building my nephew a computer. Normally it would take me one day to do that well not a full day but id have it done in a day I mean. I had to break down his old pc and scavenge it for useable parts to build him a Frankenstein pc all the while bitching at him like a disapproving parent about how filthy he allowed the old one to get. Then I had to wait for the new parts to come from newegg. The guy who delivers for them shows up at ten in the morning and thats wayy to fucking early and then it tippy tap taps on the door and walks away like an ass. I probably should include the little fact that once someone from UPS pounded on the door early and I ran out half dressed to scream at him. I dont know if thats related though I keep telling myself it isnt. Anyways I didn’t wake up to get the package so I had to go get it at the UPS mother ship. Why am I writing this? Anyways long story longer I built my nephew a computer and the whole time I was under the belief that he had a copy of windows that was usable. He tells me after I waited over an hour for his windows to update that it was an OEM. That means its cannot be reinstalled. That means that after two days he wont have windows. That means I wasted a hour sitting in an uncomfortable chair for updates. Ass! It also means you can add the price of a new copy of windows to the 400 and change I already spent and im sure will hear about for my bitch sister at some later date. Ah well though.

This things getting long. I read once or heard once. Lets just say I heard it cuz I never read. I heard once that if you drink enough caffeine it will cease to act as a stimulant and have the opposite effect. I dont know if its true though it could be bullshit. I bet some teenager who was sick of hearing his or her mother bitch about all the pop they drank at night came up with that lil bit of info or dis-info.

I remember one time when I was young I woke up to the sound of my father coming home. I had always woke up to him coming home and it always scared me and my imagination would run wild and id fear some monster was coming into the house to get me and my brothers and sister as we slept. Then my dad would clear his throat as he always did when he came home and my fear would dissolve into a feeling of warmth and safety. This night though as well as feeling safe I also felt hungry cuz I could smell that my dad had brought with him fresh pizza. I knew I was supposed to be in bed but I couldn’t resist and I tip toed down to ask him if I could have a slice of pizza. I remember after the words slipped past my lips thinking “oh no! im gonna be in such trouble!” but to my shock and amazement he said, “Sure come down and have some! There’s some old monster movies coming on you can watch with me.” HOLY SHIT I thought. My old man has been replaced by a doppelganger! That was a great night for me. I sat up really late and ate pizza and watched the wolf man and bride of Frankenstein with my dad. The best part of watching those old movies with him was him telling me stories about when he was little and he went and saw them for the first time. I’ve always loved to stay up all night since then. I sleep during the day. Its almost day now and I hope to get some rest.