Hey everyone just wanted to post an update on my life.Nothing all that exciting is happening.Got drunk off my ass the other night. That was way fun!!! The room was spinning and everything. THIRSTY THURSDAYS are fun!!!It was a really fun night. Erika was so outta it or maybe it was just her i really didnt know but she was riding the couch like a horse it was great!Way funny!!All in all a really fun night. Any ways onto the updating. Matt and I are yet again fighting. He lied to me...about homecoming but I kind of understand but I kind of dont. It really pissed me off. HORRENDOUSLY!!!I was so pissed off that I wanted to beat the shit outta him at the football game on friday. I told ashley and sam this and sam honestly looked kinna scared. I also told them that if I go by him or he comes by me to stand in front/between us because I will not hit sam,and I might hit ashley but hoenstly if i ever hit ashley (which I dont intend on doing anytime soon) it would probably hurt me more than it hurts her bc ashley is like pure fucken Muscle! So yeah, basically Matt was right. We do need time apart. Apart meaning nto seeing or talking to each other for a while. I am going to try for a month but lets see how well that works out.But it honestly might work out well because I honestly have nothing to say to him right now. I dont know what he wants, if he wants me to leave him alone for now on or not, and he doesnt tell me shit so whatever.Fuck you Matt!!!Fuck you!!!GA!!I am still so mad at him! He fucken black mailed me too. Threatened that if i didnt pay him 15$ hed give me parents the key to my house that he has(which they dont knwo about) and then tell them everything I ever told him and then as a responce get me bitched at worse than I ahve ever been bitched at before. I am so mad at him right now!!!Incase you couldnt tell. I cant beleive he lied to me! This really makes me wonder how many other times has he lied to me? he says I hurt him.Well yeah, maybe I do. but you know what hun,you hurt me just as much as I hurt you. And despite the fact of all the shit that he has put me through or done to me I was always there for him and always will be! I am so sick of people in germantown hurting me! I am sick of it! I dont belong there anymore. Atleast I dont feel like I belong. I honestly dont knwo where I belong right now. This morning I thought I belonged at parkside but now i honestly dont know.I dont have anyone right now. I mean i might have erika but I dont know her well enough yet. Before I can say I actually ahve someone I need to know that they wont leave or run off or completely stop talking to me or completely ignore me when I open up to them 100%. It has happened before and I dont want it to happen ever again. I have had people that I come to trust pretty early on leave me because they got scared when I tried to open up and confine in them. I had that in germantown with Matt, Ashley, Sam, Site and Amanda but i dont know. I feel so lost now. like i have no one anymore. I feel like I lost everything that I have worked so hard for in a matter of a few weeks. I jsut wish I had someone.I want site back! He understood me. Atleast I think he did. Im pretty sure he did and he was like the only person who knoew waht I felt and how it felt and one of the only people who I knew would always be there for me no amtter what! I miss him sooo much! I want to hug him again! I want to feel that feeling of completion again,of belonging, of exceptance. But I wont get that for a while. Not until Thanksgiving. Or hell maybe not until after. I feel so alone right now and no matter how I try to explain it no one knows exactly how I feel. I want to run away leave and jsut kind of disappear because I cant be alone. Not again! I will not be alone again! I had to do that to many times and I cant and WILL NOT do that again. I know that people are right that I should get involved and try to meet people that way but I cant. I dont have the motivation anymore. All I want to do after class is sleep and just be alone. Because that what I am...alone. All alone, just me,myslef and I. Im not all that good at meeting people either or making friends. Friends for me just kind of happen. I ushually meet people through one person, a friend, but I dont have that here. I hope it will come soon because I want to knwo that I am excepted, that I belong and that people actually care about me. I need to know that! And I dont give a damn who knows it! I need to know that people like me for being me, not this fake person who they want me to be, btu see I cant be the real me until I trust them 100% and can open up to them. And that wont happen until I know they wont run from me but to meet the people who I know wont run from me who I can trust 100% I need to meet people which I would uhsually meet through one friend and then amke more from there. You see the vishious circle that has formed here? I dont know anymroe I hoenstly just dont know. I think I might have found someone who I can trust like I said before, Erika,but I honestly dont know yet. I dont want her to run from me or leave me and not talk to me again. So I have to keep things hidden from her and everyone else until I know they wont run.I need to know that I can trust them and that they trust me with things. Ok wow,starting to ramble or have been ramble for a while but I want people to understand exactly how I feel and how alone and abandoned I feel. I feel abandoned from everyone at Germantown. Why are they treating me so differently? They shouldnt be. They treat me like an outsider when just one month ago I wasnt, I was an insider. I really really hate this feeling of being so lost and so rejected and so alone.