My Mood: right now i am a jumbled mess of feelings... happy, sad, scared, nervous, excited, angry, upset, forgotten, lonely, careless, relaxed, tired, abandoned, unloved, un cared for, lost...

its soo hard to be me... here's the story!
my best friend and i... here's where the upset, lonely, abandoned, ect. feelings come in... we haven't had the "best friend" relationship lately... we fight all the fricken time and it's mostly about the same stuff.. boys... her boyfriend, my boyfriend, friends of ours... i just want her to realize that boys aren't everything... people need friends and they dont need a boyfriend or a guy... friends are what makes you who you are... she doesn't realize that... your friends will always be there for you through thick and thin, through good and bad... through it all... boyfriends wont... they come and go... and that brings me to my next delima... my boyfriend... the scared, nervous, angry, forgotten, lonely, tired, abandoned, unloved, uncared for feelings come in here... he says that it seems like our relationship is only being wanted by one of us... him... he doesnt understand that i want this relationship to work out sooo bad too... He means the world to me... it's hard though cuz he always is gone... and when he is home, he cant talk cuz his mom wont let him use a phone... its hard... i feel like now i am the only one who cares about us and whether or not we are together... i love him so much... i just want things to go well... we are drifting apart and i really don't like it... i feel like im only his girlfriend when he doesn't have anything better to do... or anyone else... or just feels like haveing a girlfriend... i guess i kinda feel like a back up... i sit and hear my parents have fun and laugh and just love being together and i want to have that with him someday... but it looks like a pathetic dream... one of my other feeling generators... my family... i dont even know where to begin... they are only there when they want to be there.... not when i need them... i have visited my crying spot the most i ever have in the past 2 months. mostly cuz of my family... my parents are focused on my brother, he gets all of their time... and my grampa, but i understand that whole case and i dont complain about it... it's just i want parents again, they only want to be my parents when i want space... it isn't a good feeling... i mean it's great to feel loved, but they never make me feel that way when i really need it... it's always when i have enough of it from my friends and such... the reason i'm happy, excited, and relaxed (the only good feelings) is because my mom just told me that i payed off my car! It's all mine! no more hauling my brother around... im free... if i want to run away now, i have my mode of transportation... FINALLY! another bad thing... the one person i've really opened up to lately... isn't even in the country anymore... she went to Germany till next monday... im screwed... she was my support... now i am kinda out there on my own... this should be interesting! God knows if i dont have someone to lean on ... i wont have anything... i hope i can do this...