My mind is in a mess right now. It is filled with happiness, sadness, hopes and wishes… etc. Since last night, I had never stop thinking about our relationship. My entire brain cannot function at all. I fear, that when I wake up in the morning you had disappeared into thin air, never contacting me again. I fear that I will lose you forever.
This morning during my lecture, I could not concentrate at all. I tried very hard but the entire mind keeps thinking about you. I miss you terribly Pierre. I couldn’t describe how my feeling is. I tried to forget about everything but I cant. I’m sick, but more mentally and physically. I kept staring at my HP, hoping to receive a message from you… After a long wait… finally you messaged me. The content of the message is not important but WHY!!! WHY!!! Why must you sign off the message with your name? Why must you make the message so formal? We are strangers? Why do you need to do this? I felt really sad, do you know that… NO!! I do not accept this. I do not want to become strangers, acquaintance, or friends with you. I want you as my love… the one and only love in my life. I love you… don’t do this to me. Don’t treat me like this….
Lunchtime, you called … you left several missed calls on my HP. To be frank, it is not because I did not see it… my phone was in front of me when you called the 2nd time. But I do not have the courage to pick it up. I had wanted so much to hear your voice, talk to you, but I do not dare to. I do not know what you will be telling me… will you be telling me worse news? I kept staring at my HP, as it blinks your number… I was in such a daze… Finally, I pick up your call. I know I cannot avoid… if its really bad news, I have to take it as well. It’s a sooner or later thing. The first thing you said was to call me a freak… you started to suan me, as if nothing happened between the two of us. I heave relief. When you asked to meet to study after school, I hesitated. Please … do not mistaken, its not that I’m unwilling to study with you… its just that… I have an appointment with my God Bro already. Well… in the end, I decided to cancel my bro’s appointment because you meant a lot to me. I really miss you so much that I do not want to miss any chances of meeting up with you.
However, at 3.45pm, you smsed me, telling me that you are not going to meet me. Can you sense my disappointment? I’m so upset about it… Why the sudden change in decision? Is it because you do not wish to see me? You asked where I am going… why bother to ask if you don’t care? You do care for me right? I took 30 minutes to response a short answer… not because I’m “dao”… I have no idea what to reply. I badly wanted to say I miss you and I love you but that will invite your unnecessary negative replies… I do not want to hear all those and I do not want to take the risk of you drifting away from me. I’m a coward! Yep… I admit it…but that is because I am facing someone that is important to me. I am handling an issue that I cannot afford to risk. When I got home, I messaged you again. I was hoping that you will reply me or call me but you did not. I went to sleep, as I am so sick. Halfway thru my nap, I was woken up. Something told me, that I need to check my HP. True enough… there is a miss call from you on my HP. There is no vibration function on my HP… I do not know what special force woke me up. I jumped out of bed to call you. Calm I may sound… but my heart is thudding heavily. When you asked how I am feeling … etc… I felt really happy. Pierre, I’m not asking much from you, really… I do not need so much of your time. I do not need you to meet me everyday. I’m contended with able to see you once a week. I only need to know that you are there for me when I need you, you are missing me every moment… I just hope to chat with you for a moment everyday… That’s all I’m asking… Is that tough?
At night, I woke up … my eyes were on my HP almost every 2 minutes. I was waiting for your call… and YES!! You did call me. I’m so happy to chat with you. We chatted like normal days until you mentioned the word “friend”. When my mobile rang, you sarcastically commented that I’m having more and more guy friends nowadays-etc … Do you know how hurtful that comment is to me?
PIERRE GUO HONG WEI!!! I’m officially telling you now… No call is important to me at all. I only want messages and calls from YOU!! No one else but YOU!! Do you get it? Stop pushing me to other guys. That is the most cruel thing you can do. I know who I want to be with, I do not need you to push me to others. Do u HEAR that? You are the one that meant most important to me!!
Dear, I do not mind you “bullying” me… all the teasing and jokes you made, thou I may be unhappy at times but I do not mind, because at least you are there beside me. But now… you don’t want me anymore… Lao Gong, ni zhen de bu yao wo le ma? I want to be your little piglet forever, always dominated and bullied by you. I do not mind, so long you are there with me.
I’m wishing so much that you will meet me to study together tomorrow but you rejected it. WHY? In the end, I made plans to meet up with my God Bro. I need something to divert my attention, to slowly adjust my life… but… I still failed. Thou I’m meeting my God brother, I arranged to meet him at Toa Payoh. Why did I choose that place? Simple reason… it give me a chance to bump into you. It give me condolences that even if I did not get to see you, you are just 1km from where I am. It sounds stupid… I know. I was planning to buy breakfast for you before your exams but I’m worried that upon seeing me might affect your examination mood. Wanted to buy supper for you later yet scare you get piss off with me. I’m such a coward. I wanted so much to express my love for you yet I fear my on actions.
Dear, you still love me right? You still miss me right? If not, why are you caring for me when you know I’m sick? Why would you still call me to chat whenever you are resting? I know you have your problems to deal with … can you share them with me? Can we work together to overcome all problems? Pierre, you are the guy I really wish to be with… Please open your heart to me … I love you.