1 more day to X’mas eve…. To our 100th day anniversary!!!
Today, you FINALLY finished all your examination… and I am meeting you!! On my way to meet, you called… asking me opinions on whether you should change your phone… why bother to still call me? You say cos I am your best friend. I felt hurt to hear that. I know you can sense my sadness. I remembered, you added on saying that you have reasons to become friends now. Once everything is over, we will resume the relationship. Pierre, I did hear what you say but I don’t dare to discuss it. But… I really do wish to know the reason… can you please tell me the reason…? If the reason is acceptable, the waiting time frame is acceptable…. I am really willing to wait… cos I simply love you!!
As agreed, I treated you to movies and you offered to treat me lunch. I have no idea why, but I felt so “mei wei kuo” the whole day. But the sight of you, really make me happy le.
I look restless today, not cos I am sick and tired of seeing you. I do not know how to react to you. I do not dare to be so close. I am reminding myself constantly that WE ARE ONLY FRIENDS! And I kept a distance from you, the way a friend shop. I know you noticed it… but you seem to be reminding yourself all the while as well. Aren’t you? When we went to collect the movies tickets and you offered to carry my bag for me… the feeling is GREAT! This small act of yours, makes me feel so happy. It had been more than 2 months since you offered to carry my bag. Thou you emphasized that you are doing it as a FRIEND, I chose not to hear it. Selective receiving of information… Pierre, Thanks for this act cos I just feel so sweet when you did it. I do not know what you are feeling at that point of time… is it as sweet as I am feeling? Does it bring back a lot of memories for you as well? After collection tickets, I become very quiet, cos I do not know what to say. The atmosphere between us got quite weird… but luckily we went into the theatre not long later…
In the theater… the first thing I noticed is, you pull up the chair handle. We are sitting at the corner couple seats. I wasn’t expecting you to pull up the handle. We are only FRIENDS I kept reminding myself. I am really surprised by your act. And … you motioned for me to seat closer. I’m sorry that I did not really move cos I am hesitating. Are we friends? Are we a couple? Why are we sitting so close together? I tried to be as normal as I could. I do not take initiative to be close to you. We got closer and closer … behaving just like what we always will do while watching movies. You hug me… YES!!! You hug me. I lost myself. I thought of withdrawing … I thought of asking you why you hug me? Friends are not supposed to behave in this way. You kissed me … look at me with those eyes of yours. DEAR… I really really melted… I can’t escape anymore. I can’t keep a distant from you anymore. I really love you so much that I really just want to hug you forever. I don’t want to let you go at all do you know that. I love that feeling when you hug me. Thou I’m confused about what we are doing, I know I’m happy. I want time to stop … Dear… you still love me right? If not, why would you hug me, kiss me? You still want to be together right? You do not wish to be just friends as well right? Tell me … tell me your real thoughts and feelings hao bu hao? What problems are you facing? Church stress…? Don’t let church stress affect us please…. I know we still love each other a lot. I know you cannot ignore your cell group people but I’m sure we can work something out right? Can we sit down and discuss about it dear. I don’t want to lose you. I want to be together with you again like today… I really love you a lot.
After movie… we regain the distance between us… WHY? For me, cos I do not know what the relationship between us. Are we friends or couple. I am totally confused. I couldn’t find a best way to react and thus kept silent. We split 10 minutes after the show. I had wanted to get a gift for my friend for I’m too much in a daze. I went home, was expecting a message to explain whatever happen in the theatre but you did not. What does this mean? Am I like a slut, a bitch, that is seducing you, throwing myself at you? Is that what you perceive me as? NO!! I’m not such a girl. I really love you a lot that’s why even thou you say we are friends, I still kissed you. But Pierre… I do not want to continue such a status. It makes me feel so much like a slut … I kept thinking about what happen today, very confused with everything now… But 1 thing I am sure…. The little lion still love his piglet.
Night time, I couldn’t take it anymore that why I smsed to you:
Do you really want to be ONLY FRIENDS/PALS? Does the little lion still love piglet? Or he really going to leave her?
This is the last time I am asking u. Pls THINK carefully before answering. If u chose not to gif a reason, I shall not force u anymore. But an answer is a muz! Just want to know the true feelings in ur HEART!
I sent this message to you at 9+ … I know you wont reply me… You will take ages to reply. I’m happy … really… cos it means you are thinking. My love, at least I know you are trying to think thru what exactly you want. You are trying to find a solution to our problems. I hope to hear positive answers from you tomorrow thou I am not at all confident. I really love you a lot that I do not want to lose you. Why did I ask you such a question? I do not know how I will react if your answers turn out to be negative… Will I avoid you … will I drift away… will I continue what we are right now? I’m lost…. Pierre… I am feeling lost… will you be the light to bring me out of this dark path? Can we be together again … and have a great 100th day anniversary?
Pierre … I truly love you a lot. I really do not want to lose you. I do not know what else I can and I should do to make you change your decision. I know you still do love me. You cant bear to leave me too right?
When I wrote these few pages of letters to you, I do not know whether I will pass them to you. Even till now, I do not have the answer. I am waiting … waiting for your answer to my last SMS. If your answer is positive, this few pages will be thrown away… thou recorded in my diary…. But if your answer is negative … most likely you will be reading this. I really want to just share my thoughts with you… wanting you to know how I think and feel.
After all I have done … Pierre… is it really not worth giving us another chance?
I love you!