I've been off anti-depressants for about three weeks now. They weren't the real deal, it was some substance called Sam-e which has supposidly been tested in Europe since the late 70s and found to be just as effective as presciption antidepressants. I began taking them last January after the encouragement of a friend. They seemed to work for a while and then stopped. I refused to increase the dosage because taking them are rediculously expensive to begin with. Well, the last three weeks have went really well, especially the last week. I feel ok, am engaged by my work and variety and occasionally have even laughed with some people, here in ND. Unbelievable! Now, I know depression is a legitiment disorder, that some people suffer it their whole lives and that Tom Cruise is an Douchbag - some people need medication. For me, over the last 8 years of thinking about, writing about and living with it, I have found the only way it goes away is when I am working myself to the bone at things that interest and challenge me. Right now I have very diverse classes with all excellent and provocative professors. This is counterbalanced by a physical job that gives me variety and usually allows me to work by myself, letting me be creative and in control. Also, I am currently not obsessing over anyone nor do I have any realistic love interests to distract me. I  get to see my family often, but not often enough to get sick of them. Really, life doesn't get much better for me than this, unless maybe if Matt and Ryan lived here or if Bono were hanging out in my living room.

   One of my favorite Open Diary members left a note that has had me thinking a bit lately. I tend to vasilate between believing everything happens for a reason and thinking that life is simply existing. Kinda goes back and forth depending upon my mood and optimism. In reality I really do believe this. If I didn't it would be hard to get out of bed in the moring or simply frightening to cross the street. It almost seems dangerous not to believe this. If life were simply existence, why try to stay alive or do anything productive to better the human race? Why not just get your rocks off as much as possible, take what you want from others, and if you survive unil middle age when the body starts to break down just end it all? Anyone who puts any real effort into life must either believe that things happen for a reason or must very strongly believe they need to be responsible for other peoples well being..........or maybe they honestly have fun doing what they are doing. I tend to use the belief that everything happens for a reason to justify my disposition in life. I'm restless, angery, discontent that I have never had a good romantic relationship, and very often depressed. Perhaps this is for a reason. Growing up, way back in the beginning of gradeschool I remember thinking that people were careless and selfish. I wanted to show then how ugly this was, wanted to save the nature and the earth and I really wanted to travel to other countries (that I saw on Reading Rainbow, lol. I heart Llamar : )  So, I just hope that all this discontentment and feelings of being missplaced are a vehicle that will help me to actualize my disires and wishes and  help change the world just a little bit.  Let me tell you, it is the strangest feeling when you realize that you honestly feel you have a responsibility towards the world and humanity.

  I can't verify if in fact things happen for a reason, but it is a fact that I am a real piece of the puzzle that is humanity. We're all building blocks to this amazing thing called life and we all make a difference, even if nobody will remember us 100 years from now. It's kind of humbling yet amazing to think that even though it is almost unnoticable in global or universal terms, I have and will continue to change and put my own stamp on existence. We all have and will.