ive finally come to realize that maybe the reason i cared for andy so much and put up with it all was because that was all i was used to. i dated teddy on and off since 8th grade and they seemed to do the same thing. i didnt realize this until recently. they are one in the same. teddy used to tell me he liked me and cared about me when he was single, but as soon as he would get a girlfriend or things between him and his girlfriend at the time would get more serious, then he would be to busy to talk 2 me, to even acknowledge me. then as soon as something goes wrong with that relationship my phone would ring. andy did the same exact thing, just a little bit worse because he would do it to my face, he pretty much told me straight up that i was just a rebound but i didnt take any of the clues. its only now, when teddy did the same thing, that im realizing this. he took me on a date and everything, then all of a sudden hes in love with a girl hes dating. they met a couple days before he took me on that date, and now hes telling me that hes in love with her? um no. buuuut then he sends me a message on myspace:
"isn't this what always happens...we hang out...i want to be with you...you want to be with me...then something happens and we stop talking for like 3 months...i dunno Juss...i've always had feeling for you...always...you just keep so much to yourself that i feel like you really don't like me in that way...like that night we went to the movies...i really wanted to give you a ride home so i could tell you how i felt...and then you left with them...i'm not mad...i just actually had the nerve built up to tell you...then i couldn't...but yeah...i guess i'm done splurging these words..."
he cant tell me to my face, or even on the phone, only over the computer? i guess i shouldnt really be talking cuz i kinda did the same thing. but i knew i would get shot down and i didnt wanna see the look on his face when i told him, or hear however he felt about it in his voice, so i told him online. and he told me just what i thought he would...that it was too late. which i already knew, but i just couldnt hold it in anymore, i had to say something to him. but this, i wasnt expecting. hes been dragging me along for damn near 6 years. this little game needs to come to an end. i was hoping that the ending would be a happy one, but sadly it wont be. it wont be as bad as andy tho cuz that was very unexpected. but this time itll be ok, ill be the one that cutting any kind of relationship we have off. i just dont know how to do it. i know he does care about, hes not lying about that one. he doesnt do a very good job showing it tho, i mean standing me up? calling me to ask to hang out then changes his mind? inviting me to hang out with a couple of his friends..and the chick hes dating? FUCK that. hes not the most brilliant person but thats ok.

the only thing is, is that he knows me so well and hes been there for me through thick and thin, while i was in the hospital junior year, he would call me there to see if i was ok, or if i called him he would stop what he was doing just to talk 2 me, he let me cry to him and he understood. ive never met anyone quite like that, even jen doesnt let me talk, she'll interupt about something about herself. but he didnt. he let me talk and talk and talk until i had no more to say. and i would do the same thing for him. he came over one night and we sat for hours on end talking, and he actually started crying. he trusted me enough and felt comfortable enough with me to cry infront of me. it was kinda weird but i liked it, i was able to do for him what he had done for me several times. then things changed, i guess we grew up a little. he got a serious girlfriend and i stayed depressed and single so he didnt have time for me. oh well, i guess he has every right to be happy, even if it wasnt with me. actually, i kinda hope he isnt, he does treat people right, as long as hes happy he doesnt care if the other person is or isnt. thats just the way he is, he'll never change.