what goes around comes around.

i never really believed that until now. he treated me like shit for over a year and a half, but his life was good. bring me down just brought him up even higher. now, over a year after i last saw him, his life is basically over. he fell apart after he stopped talking to me. getting kicked out, living on the streets, losing his job..again, selling drugs to make money, selling drugs to an undercover cop, being put in jail, being given yet another chance by his mother and screwing that up. and to top it all off he fucked up the only good aspect of him, his looks. i believe in self expression, i really do. i have 17 piercings and 5 tattoos of my own, including angel wings on my back, but what he has done to himself is way past the point of being normal. his face, is mostly metal now. i say a picture of him after not seeing him for a year and first my jaw dropped but then i bust out laughing. he had 2 good things going for him. me and his looks. now, he has neither. i hate to say this, but i fucking love it. i love hearing about what hes done. his life crumbled right beneath him when he got rid of me. i just wonder is he realizes how good he had it. i good i was to him. i never once went behind his back and hurt him. never. im not that kind of person. and why i was attracted to that, i am unsure about.

the one good thing though about how bad he treated me was that i learned what i did and didnt deserve. what kind of guy i really deserved. and dan happened to come around when i needed someone the most. he showed me exactly how a girl should be treated. and he had no idea what i had been through so i know that he wasnt just doing it because he felt bad. he just now, like a week or so ago, got some kind of clue about what i was used to. he couldnt believe it, he thought i was making up some random story. the look on his face when he realized i was serious was a face ive never seen him make before. he looked shocked and disgusted and sad and something else that i cant ptu my finger on all at the same time. it was the prom story. we had been talking about drinking, then about hotel partys and somehow i wound up saying that i drank the most at my prom hotel party while sitting in the bathtub and when he asked me why i told him. and he laughed and goes wow that would suck, and i told him to shut up and i looked down and he was like wait, that happened to you?! and then he said he would have done the same thing. and to hear him say that made me feel better about the whole situation. i had been told by i dont even know how many times that i had over reacted or something and to hear someone, a "tough" guy at that, admit that he would have done that, just i dont even know. i swear that boy makes me fall for him more and more everytime i talk to him. its driving me nuts.

we're better off "just friends". yet, he doesnt always seem to go with that. hes always the first person to notice when im upset and will bug me about it until i tell him, he called me when i was sick, when i told him i was going to be going off to school he asked me if it was a commuter and when i said yes and was like ok good i dont want you to leave i want to be able to see you. then last night he came over and we just talked about i dont even know what for like 2 hours. it was so nice. his birthday was saturday and so while he was telling me about his weekend, which he didnt remember much of because he had been drinking and doing random drugs since friday during the day, he turned to me and asked me why i wasnt there. he couldnt remember almost anything from saturday, but he was able to remember that i wasnt there? that means he has to care and still like me somewhat. especially if it was as packed as he said it was. half then time when i do go out there to party with him he doesnt even realize im there, even if i say hi. why doesnt he just make up his mind. its driving me nuts. and to top it all off he wants to prove to me that hes the same guy he was when we were dating and not an asshole. he came over last night to talk to me about that, to tell me that was one of his new years resolutions...and to get pills but thats besides the point. while he was here he was going through the music on my computer and soo many times he almost played the song that he used to sing to me when we were together, im lost without you by blink 182, but everytime he would start to click it and would pause and change his mind. probably didnt help that i was sitting on his lap looking at him, just staring. that sounds creepy but it wasnt a creepy kinda stare, it was like a stare of desire or happiness. i smiled last night, i actually smiled, without faking or without laughing. i looked at him looking at me and smiled. i just ahhh. i just want one more chance. if all goes well, like if he keeps his new years resolution, and talks to me like he has been lately, then maybe, just maybe...he'll see that im the same person i was, and want me back. im determined to get the truth out of him. even if that means finding out he doesnt like me. i want the truth, and i will get it somehow.