So me and laura broke the lease yeterday and owe 971.00 each to the apartment complex. . . yeah. . . and i did some bommers last night and had the most horrible trip. . i realised that i really am a horrible person. . . . . i think horribly and don't give a shit about other people plus i'm lazy and bitch all the time about things i want to happen but don't do anything about it. and i feel like well. . . the truth hurts but i'm going to be honest with myself right now so here goes .. . . . . i think of things to say that i think people will be impressed by but then just feel like an ass cause i didn't get a reaction out og them, i float around to different groups of people to try and find the group that i fit in with. . i always start some "huge project" but never get around to actually going through with my plans, i smoke and i know that it wastes me about 60$ a month but don't quit even when i need the money really bad. . I've had about 4 months to find another job and haven't even looked, I should actually just move back in with my parents but won't , I feel like a burden to almost all my friends. . i hate living with laura but i know over half of that hate is from things that i caused , i feel like an unrespaonsible little bitch who only whines about problems and never does anything to fix them. . i don't do a god damn thing and all i can do is complaine about things i want to happen but they're not going to unless i actually do something, and because i won't do anything casue i'm a lazy ass i always feel like "poor me" my life is so horrible when i know it's my own fault but i always blame it on others. . .and i want to live independently but i know that i would have to change everything and how i do everything down to how i write down and kep track of my checking account. . plus i have finals and still haven't really studied at all for them and i now realize that i'm completely fucking up my whole life and i'm watching myslef do  it but i won't stop it . . so here i am waiting to start all over. . i just wnat to pull everything out of my life from the past year and do it all over again. . . i would have done everything so much different. . but i know that i con't and there's no use in wishing i had. . so now i know i have to step up and take resonsibility for all the stupid decisions i've made and just deal with them one at a atime. . . god this is gonna be a though strat over. . .