ok diary, i'm going to tell you about my day now, as shortly as possible (because i feel it's a long story).  since i haven't written in a long time, readers might not really get everything i'm saying because naturally there's sort of a background to it.  oh well.  here goes.  well as i said before me and al have been having some problems lately...  "communication problems" is what we labeled it.  yesterday i decided that i had been rather bitchy for the past week or so,  even though i wasn't really sure why.  so this morning i had set out to try my damndest to not be bitchy today,  at all.  at ALL.  so i didn't see al for more than ten minutes this morning before he had to go to work.  so the morning went fine.  we gave each other a kiss before he left.  when i got to work, i had to stay in the shop (most of our work is going out on the road to on-site repairs and such) because my nco wanted to have a meeting with all of our squad.  i was messing around with a little paperwork before the meeting and i simply asked him "are any of these ready to close?" referring to a pile of three or four work orders on our desk.  he curtly told me not to worry about it, it was "his pile" and they weren't ready to close yet.  ok.  the background behind that is, i think al is very disorganized at work.  yes he is a fabulous locksmith and he does his physical job very well, and he knows oodles about it.  but when it comes to remembering appointments or which work order is which, or filling out the manhours on time or the work orders on time to close next-day, he is very unorganized in my opinion.  of course he disagrees to an extent.  occasionally he'll admit it and try to swoon me by acting cutesy about it, like saying he depends on me because i AM so organized and good at that stuff.  well honestly i get tired of it.  but if i ever say anything about it non-jokingly or non-teasingly, instead of being cutesy like that he gets defensive and denies being unorganized.  so his comment kind of pissed me off,  however i remembered how i felt yesterday--thinking i was being really bitchy, and we talked about it and he asked me to not get hurt over some of the things he says so easily because he never means it that way and he doesn't mean anything to hurt my feelings.  so i tried to brush that off and move on, without making any comments about it for a change.  and i did.  so this morning i had to stay in the shop.  i have class at lunch right now so we never get to do lunch together anymore.  so i got back from class today, and he was sitting in the shop on the computer, watching some magic trick example videos.  background on that--he's getting really into magic tricks lately, especially card tricks.  and he's good at it.  but anyhoo.  so to give him some credit, he did say, "so how was class?"  however instead of getting off the computer, he kept looking at the screen and i think he kept doing something with the mouse (i'm not sure now).  he only looked at me for a second.  so i mentioned "oh i learned something interesting today."  and ok, so he did ask me what, but he kept looking at the computer screen, like i just said.  ok so we don't feel particularly enthused to tell somebody something if they don't seem to be interested,  even if they DID ask, , do we?  fuck no, right?  anyway i tried to move on from that too.  so i did tell him the "interesting" little factoid.  which was something related to guitars, which background on that by the way is that he is a musician, ,hello?!  but he basically just said "yeah." or something to that effect.  not "cool."  not "very interesting."  no more questions or comments about it.  just something to the effect of "yeah."  so i was going to sit down at the desk with him but since i didn't feel he was particularly interested in anything but his stupid card trick show on the computer, i sat down at one of the work benches to eat instead.  and i just said, "well I thought it was interesting."  so please take note, dear readers:  carrie has not acted pissy or bitchy yet.  she has not raised her voice.  she is not complaining.  she is not ignoring al because of this.  no no no.  the unique thing about this afternoon was that we were alone in the shop.  this rarely happens anymore.  there's always either sarosky (who's on leave right now) or the new civilian guy, Ed.  but nobody was there but us in our half of the room (separated by a wall from alarm shop) so he could have gotten up and sat down by me or something, if he had the sense to realize that i was a little hurt or whatever that he didn't act interested.  but i guess he didn't have the sense.  anyway so i went outside to smoke a cigarette and he finally came out a few minutes later.  not because he just came out though,  because he was bringing something out to the work truck, and saw me there.  so i think he asked if something was wrong, i don't remember.  so here i am having this big, huge internal debate over whether or not to ask him if he finds me interesting anymore or something to that effect, or to not say anything because maybe it's just me again,  maybe i'm just being hormonal or bitchy because of class or work or something.  but i'm not good at keeping my mouth shut so finally i say "can i ask you a question?  do you think i'm interesting?"  of course he said yes.  but when i told him he didn't seem interested in what i had to say in the shop, of course he told me that he didn't think i had any grounds to accuse him of not acting interested in me.  this is always the same story lately.  i told my mom i have been feeling lately as if he has not been listening to me as much as he used to.  i mean what, am i paranoid?  i don't know.  but i know i'm intelligent and not crazy.  so why would i be paranoid all of a sudden?  i'm not smoking any weed.  he basically says that it's not true.  it's not true,  it's not true, yadda yadda yadda.  i mean, i feel like saying (and sortuv have) "WHAT'S NOT TRUE?!  MY FEELINGS AREN'T TRUE?!  WTFO?!?!"  anyways so from that point in the day, staying true to my whole goal of not being bitchy at all, i just decide to act pretty cool and civil, but to act as interested in him as i feel he has been acting i me.  yes i decided to give him a dose of his own medicine.  so i did that this evening.  however i couldn't stand it and finally broke down and told him that if he didn't stop being so self absorbed i was gonna get really pissed off.  well in retrospect i don't really think "self absorbed" is the right phrase for al.  i don't know what it is.  oblivious maybe.  anyway so we basically did the same thing all over again, where i tell him how i feel and he tells me i'm wrong.  hello.  we simply cannot get through to each other half the time.  i'll tell you what i'm sick of though.  whenever we have a disagreement that isn't anactual fight, but it just leaves me feeling hurt or whatever, and i go down to the bedroom to read or something (not having said anything utterly bitchy) he never follows me down there to find out if i'm ok or anything.  if there's to be any talking happening, let me tell you i'd better start it damnit.  and i am getting goddamn-mother-fucking tired of that bullshit.  why can't he ever chase me?  just because i'm the one who leaves normally?  does that mean i have to be the one to speak up all the time?  how come he can never break the ice?  once or twice when he has gone down to another room i have indeed eventually came to him to talk things over.  sometimes it really makes me wonder what the hell i'm sticking around here for.  it doesn't seem like he gives a hoot about me sometimes!  of course then there are other times when he acts very, very caring.  it's totally fucked up.  that's where i'm in limbo.  who is it,  me or him?  or both?  or what?  jeezus.  maybe i'm just expecting him to be more intereted in my stuff than he needs to be.  dad and mom have very different interests and they're doing fine.  maybe i'm expecting this relationship to be too perfect, more perfect than any relationship can be.  maybe i do let the little dumbass things he says sometimes get to me too much.  i don't freakin' know.  i can admit that even though i honestly felt that he was an ass today, most days he's not, and i'm getting quite perturbed over much smaller things.  so what the fuck.  what do i do?  btw in the way home i was annoyed that he didn't ask me how my day was.  but instead of bitchilly saying "aren't you gonna ask me...blah blah.." instead i asked him how his day was.  then he talked for a few minutes and then still didn't ask me!  of course he could tell by now that something was wrong i suppose so maybe that's why he didn't feel like asking me.  i don't know.  i know what mom will probably think; that he and i got together way too fast and that is the root of this problem.  i don't wanna hear that.  maybe it is true.  but i don't wanna think that.  i don't wanna think that i fucked up.  well i mean i've already considered it a tiny bit, but i don't want someone else to tell me.  i just want this to all work out.  shit.  why the hell is some god picking on me, or something!?

well i guess i'm gonna get off here and get ready for bed.  hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.  i dunno.  there better be some better days soon or i'm moving out.  but readers, readers -- be optimistic!!!!!  for without the background you wouldn't realize that things have only been this way for a week or so----so it's all about figuring out why.  it hasn't always been this way.  i wouldn't be with someone if it was always this way.  *sigh*  we shall see.

ciao.