I went to my friend's birthday party last night.. Maybe i shouldn't have gone at all. It was alright.. not too terrible there were enough people that i knew to keep me sane.   It has been really nice to be able to hang out with the group that was there last night.. I enjoy them.

But then there is my friend.. The one who tells me things that i want to believe... He tells me he wants to hang out more often and that he'd like date again sometime.. We have special moments when we hang out.. we hug, we laugh, we enjoy eachother.    Untill last night..  And maybe i'm just creating drama in my head.. but it sure did make me feel like shit. 

I don't care so much that he wants to hang out with other girls.. Cool.. whatever.. no huge deal.. I just want to be one of the girls.. u know. I want him to take on the "best friend" qualities.

But then.. the other girls showed up.. the "pretty" ones..  The ones that are just for Show on the field (AKA Dancers/color guard)..  THe girls that get to wear skimpy outfits and tons of giltter and just be beautiful..  There is the attention shift.. My friend would rather be in the middle of a group of Glittered up girls with perfect hair thats always just right.. then talk with me.. or whatever.. I know its really no big deal and i shouldn't be upset about this at all.. but Dang it.. I am.

I feel like i have to compete with those girls to establish my friendship with him.. I feel like when they are around I become invisible.. Because maybe i'm not a dancer.. I don't have the most perfect hair.. and when I am out on the field at half-time I look like everyone else.. Big baggy secondary shorts that hide all feminie forms.. a t-shirt that might be just a bit too big and a hat that doesn't quite fit my head correctly.. My hair gets pulled back and messed up by the damn hat.. I don't wear makeup because it'll all just come off on my white gloves. I don't get to stand in front of the crowd in a short skirt with a halter top that shows my midsection and dance seductivly or wave around pompoms ... No guys oogle at me when i am out there.. They aren't whisperting to their buddy about the girl on the 45 playing the trumpet. 

So maybe he is just playin around with these girls... and maybe when he is ready for something real.. he'll call me..  Perhaps i would feel better if i was the type of girl that was able to surround herself with a bunch of guys that gave her their undevided attention.  Then maybe we'd be on the same playing field. 

I'm not that kind of girl.. I'm not asking to be in a realtionship with him.. i just want my best friend back.