|Already dead, I'll never die|
I know that this is going to sound completely random but I really miss my hair. I got it cut over two monthes ago and although this hasn't been the first time, right now I'm all of a sudden sad because of it.
Actually it started in May when I got my hair cut at a new place. It was just a trim, but it was a bit more than what I had in mind but I though, that now it was "healthy" I'd just let it grow some more. Well when I decided to get my hair cut before school, I wanted just a trim again. The girl convinced me my hair was way too long and just weighing me down, so I let her cut it... up to my sholders.
I guess it wouldn't be that big of a deal if I could have donated it, but according to the woman, Locks of Love doesn't take thin and color treated hair like mine. Plus since I swim it was probably damaged. So instead it landed on the floor and was swept up and put into the trash or where ever they put the cut hair.
It looked nice when it was all over, but that was because she could style it. Now... it's just straight. Which wouldn't be that big of a deal since when my hair was long, I always wore it straight. But it flips out now because of where it hits when I put it behind my ears. Anyway it just looks horrible now.
*an hour later and after a good cry*
I keep thinking to myself that there has to be something more. I can't just miss my hair. But honestly, I think I really just miss it.
Anyway it just got me think to everything else I hate about myself. I'm not normally like this. I mean things like not having a boyfriend just don't bother me... or really I just don't let it show that it bothers me. Like when people ask "Why don't any boys like you?" my responce is "Oh, they're just too intimidated by my good looks to talk to me." That's just how I deal with it. But when I get home and I start to think about it, I let it get to me. Like I must be ugly or why else won't any guy talk to me.
It doesn't help that Michelle now has this guy who likes her. I mean, I can't stand her and nobody else can. But as annoying and rude as she is, Nathan apparently liker her. Then there's KT, who I don't think is all that good looking, and she has a different boyfriend for every day of the week. Actually she's kinda easy so I see where that's coming from. But it's like all the cool people go out with the cool people and all the uncool people go out with other uncool people and all the average people go out with all the other average people. Then there's me. I really don't know what I am. I'm just sick of doing homework every Saturday night. Even my friend Veronica, who is very religious (and I'm not trying to say that religious people aren't likeable, because they are, but I just never thought of her approving of dating) is going to Homecoming with a guy in one of my classes.
I know I'm not going to be the only one at Homecoming without a real date, seeing as I'm going with Marissa and Michelle (because Nathan promised another girl he'd take her to Homecoming) but this will be the third year and I only have one more left. Plus now that I'm a junior I'll get to go to Prom. I don't want to go with friends so I was thinking about not going, but I don't want to not go either.
So anyway after this cry I was trying to think of positive things about myself. I do have blond leg hair so I can go a while without shaving without it being noticable. I also have nice nail and eyebrows. So right now any gay guy or serial killer with a fettish for eyebrows (or nails like in the X-files episode where he would paint a redhead's nails and then kill her and cut off her fingers).
What's ironic is that I just looked at a bunch of old picture of myself (which started the whole hair thing) and was like "Wow, I looked pretty good." But that was then and this is now. I used to be able to hide behind my hair, or not really hide but at least have it there just in case. Now it's like people can see me, which I don't like. It's hard to explain.
Josh broke up with Miranda. I kinda wish it was the other way around. He thinks that he isn't good enough for her, which is funny considering what I've heard about her, I'd think it was the other way around. I don't like him though. I mean sure he's still really cute and all, but that's it-- he's just cute to me now.
Yesterday at swim practice these two guys get into the part of the pool that is reserved for the Y members. It was Gary and TJ. I've never written about them here, because that was before this diary (I may have written about them in my other ones). I liked TJ in seventh and eighth grade and Gary in eighth grade. I know that TJ dropped out and got his GED but I've seen Gary around school. It brought back a lot of memories of Middle School. Those were my "adjusting" years. Sixth grade is was a nerd, seventh... well I refer to them as my "hookerific years" seeing as I wanted to be cool so badly, and eighth grade was my rebel year. Anyway just looking at them now --and remebering that my second to last boyfriend, who would be about 19 years old now, dropped out freshman year of high school and now works full time a Wendy's (which I'm surprised he can hold a job seeing as he was always high) (but what else was I to expect from a kid 5 years older than me and in my grade?)-- made me think of how desperate I was. I mean I am so repulsed by them now. How could I have liked them? Is this who I'm going to end up with? God, I have no idea.
So now that I've written all of this, you reading this is like "Finally, she's finished". So yeah that's it.