**this is venting about richard...if people dont wanna read this, then dont***
I loved those 12 hours I spent with him, when I went back to his place, and we had dinner, it felt right, talking and spending time with him feels so right it drives me insane. he told me things hes never told anyone, I promised him I wouldnt tell anyone what he said and I'll keep my promise, he doesnt believe me, but I will. I'm honored he feels like he can trust me when he feels like he has no one else. I'm just worried since he feels like im the only one who he can really tell things to, that ill get pushed into the "bestfriend" catergory, and ill become "just sara, a good friend" , as much as i wanna be his bestfriend, I also wanna be his girlfriend. I love him more then ive ever loved anyone, nothing has ever felt this right, ive never unknowlingly believed in something so much in my entire life. I miss him when hes not with me. I imagine what it would be like to have a future with him, I wanna marry him someday, I wanna have kids with him someday, I want all those things with him and it freaks me out. becasue I know he wants those things too, he just doesnt want them with me, for some reason, he doesnt see me, not always. he knows he cares, but wont let himself love me. and im worried I'll help him understand himself, help him sort through his confusion, then...he'll meet someone else, and ill be sitting here, alone and in love with someone who doesnt want me that way.
he could be such an amazing person, I wish he could see in him what I see. hes been through so much, if only he'd learn how to process his feelings better he wouldnt be so upset all the time. it doesnt help his roomate doesnt listen to him very well, but i guess boys will be boys. I know i'll never walk away from him, I need him as much as he needs me.
I just dont think he'll wake up and realize I could be the bestthing that ever happened to him...he'll keep seaching for that special person..while ill be standing right here, hoping he sees me.