Well, the waiting is finally over, I started my period this morning.  So I guess that means that I am not pregnant.  I met my husband for lunch today and we started talking about the upcoming doctors appointments.  I think my husband was finally honest with me, after my asking him for months now, how bad do you want another child.  I started telling him about some of the different procedures, and I was trying to tell him that some of them scare me.  He told me that he would not go through all that.  He said that he did not want a baby that bad to have to go through all the testing, and shots and so on.  I think my heart broke today when he said that.  He went on to say that he did not believe in forcing a baby into this world and that if it did not happen naturally then it should never happen.

What was I supposed to say to that?  For the last 12 years of my life I have regretted the day that I had my abortion, and now it feels as if I will never have a second chance at having a child of my own.  If I would have known then what I know today, I would never have given that life away.  I know that I would only have been 19 when that little girl would have been born, but atleast I would have her with me today. 

I asked my husband if he would feel differently if he did not have his daughter, and of course he said that no he would not.  I told him that he needed to re-think that, because I truely believe if he did not already have a child, he would understand how I feel.  He asked me if I was ok with going through all of the different tests and procedures and I told him that I wanted a baby that bad, that yes, I would be scared but that I would do what I could if it would mean that I might have a chance of having a little mircle of my own.  Now I guess, I will never know what it is like to have such unconditional love that only a child can give to you.

I wonder what I ever did in this life to deserve to go through this?  These last couple of months I have really felt as if I have been more relaxed.  We decided that we would go and see a fertility specialist and the appointment was scheduled.  I guess that once again my husband was just telling me what he thought I wanted to hear.  I get so tired of him saying that he can never make me happy.  Can't he see that all I need is him!  I do not need the brand new car that he just bought me, or the video camera that I have always wanted.  What I want is for the two of us to be together and for me to know that he will love me no matter what!  I know that I will never be more than a step-mom to his daughter and I really am ok with that.  I had a step-mom once, and I have a mom and I do not expect her to want or need a second mom.

Why do I feel like such a bad person today?  Is it so wrong for me to be upset because I have finally come to terms with the facts that I may never be a mom myself.  Why can't any one understand that there comes a time when you have to face reality and stop living life like it is a fairy tale and that it will end happily ever after.  Life is not always that easy, and things don't always work out the way you would like them too.  All I want is for my husband to understand that I am coping with the facts and trying to mourn and get past this so that he and I can have a long and happy life together.  I love my husband more than anything in the world and the last thing I want to do is drive a wedge between us.