ok, there's some stuff i wanna put down in this here blogger-thing, but i suppose i should get a few things caught up so everyone's up to snuff about this here redneck....

Got a new truck, an '86 chevy blazer. runs great, looks good, and hopefully it'll last longer than the last two POS's i've owned in the last year....

slurpy apparently doesn't have an account with the big OD anymore, so adios to his most private thoughts, as entertaining and enlightening as they were. I still love him like a sistah, though.

currently out of work due to a torn ligament in my right knee, given to me (by accident) by one of my girls at my store. wonder how long i can milk workman's comp?  hehehe....  just kiddin'. i detest bein out of work, and i hate this damned imobilizer and the crutches even more.

everything else is pretty much teh way it's always been, so now to get to what i actually wanted to talk to myself (and anyone else who might be reading) about.

remember the cute boi from north Louisiana i mention a few blogs ago? well, turns out that i actually up and did what i swore i wouldn't do. i started dating him. like slurpy, i didn't plan it, and i damned sure wasn't lookin for it. We've been "together" for almost 4 months now. it's a wierd situation, and frankly, i'm not sure how to handle it.

certainly, i'm happy when jerms is around me, which admittedly isn't very often. i've gotten to spend a grand total of about a week with him since we hooked up back in august. i do care about him and to some degree love him. *THAT* i certainly didn't count on happening, but it did anyway. I know he loves me- - at least, he's told me as much every time i speak to him.

i'm not happy, though. not with our relationship. i know jerms misses me and wants to be here with me (or me there with him), and i miss him as well. But my displeasure goes deeper than that. now, i'm not totally stupid; i knew that dating someone who lived so far away from me would be damned-near impossible, which is why i swore i'd never do it if slurpy and i didn't work out. but honestly, the distance problem isn't what bothers me, at least not the biggest part. granted, i need more than jerms is able to give me right now...  i've always needed to be able to see and feel and hold my lover when i wanted. Selfish, i know, but it's the truth. Not being able to *BE* with jerms makes me more angry and depressed than i could possibly care to imagine. but that's only the half of it.

the other half is something i consider to be a double-standard on his part. He's an ex-escort, and he has a sugardaddy. has had him for a few years now. The sugardaddy doesn't exactly trouble me all that much, but the fact that the guy i'm trying to date and get to spend so little time with is forced to choose between spending time with me, or whoring himself out to some old, nasty geezer who ignores him whenever they're together. And frankly, i put the blame for my anger squarely on jerm's shoulders.

in my eyes, he's being childish and immature. he gave me all sorts of valid arguments for his continued relationship with teh daddy. the freedom he has to pursue his degree in college, his car, to come and go as he pleases without the responsibilities that other folks such as myself have to carry every day (job, bills, etc etc). am i wrong to feel justified in being angry that my bf will not try to take care of himself, and instead allow some old fart who ignores him to use him and emotionally abuse him in exchange for a few hundred bucks every coupla months?

if i love him, and i am pretty certain that i do on some level, i don't think my love's strong enough to get around this major thorn in this relationship's backside. i know it's gonna come to the point where i tell jerms it's either tha daddy or me...  and frankly, i'm not convinced i would win. i don't wanna lose his friendship, but i don't wanna be continuously hurt like this. i've tried to think of a hundred ways of telling jerms that i want to just be friends, but i can't think of a single thing to say that would make it the actual truth. b/c i don't want to be just his friend.

the fights are getting worse every time they happen. and we only fight about this one subject. and it's a fight neither of us ever wins. that much we've already admitted to each other. i don't see us lasting for teh long-term. i've got too many hang-ups, and he won't grow up. we've discussed our wishful-thinkings about being together for the "long haul", moving in together, etc etc. Frankly, i don't see it happening. i stand a better chance of moving to florida and shackin up with slurpy, frankly.

:::sighs:::

ok, enough for tonight. love and peice an' such, and i'll chit chat laterz.

Joe