It's been a while. I love the internet. No real responsibility whatsoever. <3
I have a boyfriend now. A boyfriend who annoys me so much that I can hardly talk to him. That, of course, leaves a void of time that is filled by more physical endeavours. He's not stupid, to say the least, as he takes all three offered sciences, enriched math, and animation (with his bestfriend K ---> Muy guapo...did i just say that?). But he likes to think he's mysterious and cool, and that he has an incomprehensibly deep "dark side"...if by "dark side" we mean that he has a curved phallus. But that's just my take on it. He's so sweet, it's not like trying to dump G. G was just an idiot and I hated him. But relationships make me claustrophobic. Gah.
I wanted to believe that I could be the one to love him more and differently than any other girl, but I was wrong. Have I not tried hard enough? Do I find him obnoxious as a substitute for the fact that I can't connect with people emotionally? Am I avoiding a psychological roadblock by aborting this relationship prematurely? Should I try harder? Should I stop trying and move on? Its pointless to ask these questions, because I have to find it in me.
If one thing's for sure, I'm not going to lose it to him. D told me that you should never sleep with the first boyfriend, and I think that, one way or another, I'm going to hold true to that.
Especially unfortunate is the fact that we're both in love with different people. His name is Alex, and the boy I've loved for a year now shares that name. His crush is Dominique. What can I do but laugh cynically at the fact that we're both each other's second picks?
I feel kind of strangled, even now. And he isn't even clingy. It's the fact that he tries to be sweet and cute with me, and tries to make me feel special and beautiful. I don't deserve it. He doesn't deserve what I've done to him. The most depressing part is that he is still completely unaware.
I should break up with him just because of that. Because I am an awful person and he doesn't deserve that.
I need to start over.
I am sleepy, and I have French and Math homework.
When I grow up, I am going to have a big house, painted green. And the grounds around it will have a tall, broad pattern of red brick walls, around which will grow crab apple trees, cherry trees, and lilacs. The dominance of these plants over the wall will be an intentional symbol of the weakness and mortality in comparison to the evolving, growing, changing, and regenerating quality of nature. All of it pink red, too. Which is weird, because I don't know the significance.
The basement will be a light-proof, damp-proof, temperature regulated library of the world's most important and influencial literature, in its original language and its English translation. My contribution to saving the important documents of our corrupt and dying civilization from the failing hands of the government. Before the internet is completely censored and then shut down. You know it will happen.
That is my inner turmoil for the day. The End.
Funniest thing ever, even if I've posted it before (too lazy to check):
Hurrah. Blessed be.