ok so i bought the new kelly clarkson album, i think its really good, i only really bought it for "since youve been gone" but i love the other songs, so yay for me. its kinda like avrils albums but with a twist, a bit more poppy, we all have our weaknesses. ive gone off pop music a little bit since ive been introduced to other  kinds of music since the leeds festival. oh my god the leeds festival was amazing in many ways. ok so the morning of the sunday i got aphone call from chris asking me if i wanted to go to the leeds fest with him, he had managed to get free VIP tickets to see the raveonettes (who are amazing btw). so obviously i said yes, a once in a life time opportunity to go to the leeds fest as a guest for FREE. plus i figured that i would get to know chris a little better and i wanted to see the foos you know how it is!!! well i got ready in 10 bloody minutes but i thought "hell its a festival everyone will look scruffy anyway" so i met chris on the train, i think he was i little bit hungover from the saturday. we'd all gone to the bart'at which was great too because everyone was there having a great time and then we were all walking up to gaz's house who lives near me and chris came and out his arm round me - so naturally i nearly collapsed on the floor, but then i got annoyed with myself because i had felt that i had let myself get into the "saul" state again and i always swore to myself that that would NEVER happen again, in fact i think i actually said i was never going to fall for anyone ever again! but anywho on the sat night chris asked me if i would marry him when we are 40, and i said yeah then said how about 30, again i said yes...20? i really wished i hadnt said yes..oh well, if he hasnt guessed all ready then he REALLY is blind. or maybe, like saul he doesnt want to see the signals.....it is me after all.

so anyway the sunday we got to the fest and we kinda wandered about at first, well im not really very good in crowds because i get quite scared in big crowds so chris gave me his arm  obviously still attached to his body-duh. anywho we went and watched ;-dinosaur jnr, the charaltans, and baby shambles etc, they were ok but the charaltans-we didnt know any of their new stuff and razorlight which i expected to be amazing wasnt all they were cracked up to be, the sound wasnt all that good, but we saw the bassist from razorlight. then we went to the radio 1 tent to see arcade fire, they were so good i was speechless, the tent was packed and me and chris were boppin along behind edith bowman (radio 1 dj) and he really fit boyfriend!!! mmmm i was a little scared of getting crushed. the guys next to us were off their faces on poppers as well : S plus i was getting fairly light headed off the weed they were smoking which i didnt mind - free weed!! anywho when AF had finished the crowd started rushing towards us so chris actually held my hand (God how young do i sound!!!) i dont care though- we went into the guest area- i was on a complete high, we both were it was amazing and we hadnt even seen the raveonettes yet!!! so  it was starting to get dark at this point, i really felt the festival atmosphere we could see the Kings of Leon from where we were sat!!so we were sat side by side for ages just taking in the atmosphere.

we then decided to go and see the ravenottes. however the nugget thought that he'd dropped all his money etc so then we were walking back to the guest area when he checked in his pocket and everything was there all along. he was obviously so relieved that he hugged me and nearly cracked EVERY bone in my ribs!!! good grief but i didnt mind of course hehe! i sould have forgiven him easily. anywho we watched the raveonettes who were absolutely fantastic, im very pleased i have the album.  anywho when they had finished we starting walking back to thte bus. i said to him thanks for letting me come with you, then he said thanks for coming with me and put his arm around me and we were walking to bus. we got off the train at his stop and he drove me the rest of way home...it was just themost amazing time ever. i just felt so comfortable with him it almost felt as though we were together, i think that possibly made me worse but you know...i just wish upon anything.

yes i know livi will have something to say! (love you) i dont want to lose him as a friend but i just think he is worth the risk..i am completely mad about him but i dont know if i want to find out the answer. 

 What if i really dont like it? 

could i handle the rejection again?

 would it be too painful this time?

i think i would do anything for him which is a mistake for starters. livi said that he prob didnt like my excessive drinking and smoking....so what have i done, im stopping smoking and cutting down on my drinking (im not just doing that for chris though, i figured livi may appreciate it too). they are my two favourite people outside of my family i love them both very much (in different ways). i wish everything could work out right between me and him, if that happened i would be so happy in fact i wouldnt even need alcohol because the empty hole in my life would be filled!! yay for me. i mean its not as if im asking for an amazingly gorgeous guy dressed in a sailors uniform (however.... that would be nice santa!) ahem! im sick of feeling lonely and sorry for myself. yes so i have some amazing friends like my little ferret widget and i love my friends but sometimes, esp when youve been alone for a loooong time you need something other than friends you know.... and i dont need drunk twats getting their man sticks out (some of you know who im talking about - i dont want to say names for secrecy reasons and plus i would like to live long enough to see if ill ever get with chris!) ahem...

idont want to be a girl who attracts drunk guys looking for one night stands anymore i would like to just be someones girlfriend not someones bitch...

i have feelings