okay so i've been with a couple of qoute un qoute "bad ppl" yea i know its true, slivka smokes, n he skipped class to smoke, i was so mad, but then i was like u shouldnt even care, its not u hes harming its himself. but i knew in reality it was me, b.c deep down i felt smoking drinking having sex is all "bad" maybe he's ready to try it n stuff but im not. they havent pressured me into smoking or drinking but they have with sex n ever sexual thing u'd think of. lets say for instance last night, all last week niki has been like saying u needa at least do something with him, we've only been together 2 monthes, it took forever with ben, why move so fast? n well last night i didnt know what we were gonna do at slivka's house, so i tell him to make up a plan, i didnt think he go straight to sexual doings... but he did, well his mom was like no you 2 cant b alone in the basement for 2 hours "alone" i understood where she was coming from, but slivka blew up omgosh he scared me, he doesnt like his parents, i can understand not liknig them, b.c they arent that nice to him, but wanting to kill them and hoping they drown in their own blood, a lil freaky. so his brother had to go down there with us n we watched dawn of the dead, i was scared a lil yes, im a chicken!  but ne wys so his brother was like stop making out! n im laughing inside b.c just a kiss here n there isnt making out, n slivka thought the same thing, so his brother proceeds "everytime ya'll start talking n then just get uiet n start talking again" ok i was cracking up, but i guess it woulda been funny if u were there to hear it. so slivka tells him "we're watching the moving when we get quiet," n his brother was like "right" ha! but ne ways so the movie is over n them 2 are talking i didnt find this out until after i had left, but then nate just goes upstairs, i didnt understand why so i was like w.e he'll b back don. so im talking to slivka n he wanted the tv off, but i was afraid his parents would think something if they didnt hear any noise downstairs. so i was like i want the tv on. mistake. but ne ways  so he starts telling me his plan, well he talks loud so im like just txt it, so he txts "everything we havent done yet" n im like sex?!  n hes like "NO!" well to tell u the truth i havent done anything with him except makeout/kiss. n im thinking uh no! someone is gonna walk down stairs n b like oh my gosh! n i was also freaked, b.c i dunno i was more comfortable with ben, not slivka, ben would b lucky up here "wink wink" but ne ways so like i made suhre nothing happened, n then when i leave, i walk out n he slams the dorr behind me i was like okay wow, so he txts me when im at my sis's work party that night. hes mad. he had paid his brother 10 bucks to leave us alone, okay if woulda told me i wouldnt of been so freaked. gr! but then im like ur wanting to break up huh, n hes like not yet, omgosh! who says not yet?! yes im leaving in a week to go back down south but honestly dont make me depressed too much b4 the day i leave. i like slivka so much n like hes not as bad as he sounds hes just a horney dude. hes sweet when he not too horney. i dunno everytime i get a negative thought about a guy im with everything of the realtionship plummits down way down. like yesterday n the day b4 i didnt feel anything from im, b.c he left me for chicken (yea im stupid) but neways n now this happenes its like i cant get out any  anger or frustration i have on a guy b.c if i do something will happen that we get upset. okay confession time, when ever im with a guy lately i see that im basing it off of my relationship with ben, i guess since he treated me great, n didnt do drugs or anysort of that, n he wasnt such a hormonal guy that i could trust him. i cant trust any guy right now, i even felt like i lost ben, b.c of our last convo. b.c he didnt seem to want to talk to me. i know hes busy, it seems everyone in the world is buysy, but its understandble, i could b busy to if id actaully think about the hurricane too. but since on so far i havnet had to but in a week guess who gets to be like everyone else n worry about it all.....ME! ive worked hard just to not think about it n my parents do this. i just hope i can find a guy like ben, or even one day with ben, but we are totally diffrent i dont know who he is anymore, id love to get to know but as friends b.c hes with danielle, n im trying not to b a "bad word" n try to skrew up their relationship honestly im happy he found a girl thats great ot him as he is to her, its just i guess im still fallig for ihm n i havent hit the ground, which will b soon imguesing since ive just said that. i know others are going thru the same things i am, its just others think diffrently thatn other ppl, n well i do think diffrently n when ppl say i know what ur going thru i am to that doesnt do poop to my thoughts, i wanna know how to make my mind get over any obsticles that im having knowing someone is going thru it to is just anthor perosn that has to do it too. i guess im selfish, ive turned selfish after the hurricane, or maybe i was b4 i just didnt realize it but like i dont know what else to think about. ben, ur rght, but i havent found anyone else thats not a drug user or sexual needy. im sorry, u prob. are gonna b like "oh" i dont know anymore.......can u ask god to help me b.c right now i guess im afraid of him, i ask him stuff, n well i dont think he is gettting thru to me, meaning he's helping jsut i dont see it, imtrying to open my eyes its just i am keeping them shut at the same time.  i'm going crazy now, lol put me in the padded walls now b4 its too late,

bye yall

b safe

till next time, becas out