To anyone that cares,
I have realized that trying to forget somone that had a hand in your birth is extremely hard. It is still extremely hard even if they tell you, "I hate you Maddie, your the reason why this family is falling apart. The reason why my life right now is going so horribly. If only you were the miscarrige before you none of this misery would be happening, I hope someday you go to... ""To hell dad?" "Exactly."
Whether ot not my father actually meant those things I am not aware of the answer. My father the next week completely ignored the fact that had said all of those things he had said to me. He pretended nothing had happened and that we were still cool with each other. I went along with it for so many years until I realized that I would only get hurt by what he was doing. Not so much physically, but emotionally, although he has hit me once, but like always we have never discussed those things ever again. Never talked about how I "ruined" the family and what he has said to me and when he had hit me. I dont understand and I never will. I say so many times that this time it would be different. I would never talk to him and then things would be okay. No more tears would be shed, but its hard to ignore someone that acts like everything is cool, even when you dont live at their house. He pretends that everything is cool and I want that. I want things to be the way they were before Tanya the evil mother fucking bitch entered in my life and ruined everything I had created and lived for. At least thats how it feels to me. I may be wrong, but right now I dont feel like it.
I'll give you an example to implify the impression you have seen of my father so far. It will increase maybe the hatred you have towards him and the luck of having your father that actually cares for you.
I went to the hospital for a week because I was extremely deprssed. I was going to commit suicide but my counselor found out about my plan and said that this time I totally meant it and I was going to commit suicide, but however I am here today writting this, so I couldnt possibly be dead. Anyways, before I would threat my life on a platter so people would pay attention to me, I didnt mean it but I did about a month ago. I still feel that way sometimes, but thats not really the point here.
I went to the hospital because of my plan and because I was a very bad cutter. I still sometimes do it but now its not 4 or 5 times a day like usual. ANYWAYS, I was in the hospital and my dad came to see me one night, but he brought along the bitch. I didnt know about it and was totally oblivious. I told my dad that I didnt want to see her and see him. He left me because he said that I was being childish and that I was being self centered. He didnt want to see me unless I saw here. And he meant it. Later I wrote him a letter and sent it to him. I asked him if I could have a real relationship with him and he said that wouldnt be possible. Either I have a relationship with Tanya or I cant have a meaningful relationship with my dad. I got angry and told him that I would just have to find another dad like I have being doing for three fucking years and then hung up on him. He hasnt talked about it since and when we did in therapy he claims it was my fault that I didnt have a realtioship with him and that I needed to grow up and forget about it.
Like I said its hard to forget someone who has hurt you all of your life. To grow up and find out that your dad hated you from the begining and that he wants nothing with you ever again, and the next day he says that he wants to take you out for ice cream. I dont understand my father and I only want to hear the magic words he hasn't said to me in three fucking years, "I love you Maddie." If only my dad.... if only..... what he doesnt understand is that I will always love him. Maybe not forgive him for what I have been put through, but I will always love him, no matter what. I would got to hell and back for him, but he chooses not to care.
I love you daddy, why can you just love me?