So...I'm thinking of leaving.  I know that no one really reads this anymore, so I'm jsut writing, thinking.  I want to leave, and I think I should.  Because there doesn't seem to be any future here.  Sure, I do things, and there are always things to be done, but...I somehow think that by the time 65 comes around, I could actually leave, and things will actually get better.

I feel, sometimes (more lately) that there is this sense of "competition" against me.  Like everything I do, has to be competed against, because of who I am, because of who my parents are....like they think because of my family, I have all the privileges that supposedly comes with it, so I need to be "stopped" from hogging all the glory.  And to do that, their own flesh and blood (or anybody else, for that matter, just as long as its not me or my family) are pushed against me, hoping to "dislodge" me from my place of glory, and some other person could (finally!! in their minds) bask in some of that glory.....how stupid can someone be?  the position, family doesn't mean dip...it means nothing.  It's just a title.  In fact, if it does mean something, it means something other than what they think.  It means being the object of scrutiny, and observation, and criticism.  Everytime something is suggested by me, is met with opposition, and criticism, because it wasn't their idea.  if it doesn't work, they say "see? told ya it wouldn't work".  but if it works, no congratulations or "good idea!" is spoken.  not once, not from them.  but they do, however, shares or take the credit.  you know, i can't say i don't care, because i do.  but not because of them taking the credit, they can take all they want.  but what i do care about, is being appreciated.  how many times or how many ways can i tell them, i DON'T WANT to be in competition with them.  I really don't.  this is God's work.  why does it matter whose idea it is?  or who comes out first?  because ultimately, it's God who gets the credit, God who comes out first.  Because it is all, for His glory, and our ideas, our strength, and our judgment, comes from Him.  who else? 

i can't, and i won't take this.  i'm so tired of being in a race, in a competition that i didn't start, but is expected of me to finish it.  it's not my race.  it's their insecurities creating this imaginary world of having to put me down below them, it's their own pride that makes me look like a threat.  it's costing me some of my friendships, and i hate that .  I HATE IT!!  take the glory, take it, i don't want it.  if it gives YOU peace of mind, and can make you leave me in peace, take it.  I don't want it.  i never did.  because i'm not doing all of this for you, or for them, or even for myself.  i'm doing this for God.  if you can't understand that, then it's your own grief, it's your mistake.  don't make it mine by competing with me.

so...if it's like this now, when it's not yet 65, what will happen when i'm finally alone there?  i can't think about it, and i won't because it will probably make me feel worse.  it's horrible, because i go there, wanting to spend time with God, and be with Him in His house, but i have to feel guilty and embarrassed because i didn't meet up with YOUR expectations, with THEIR expectations.  what happened to letting me enjoy my God's company, His presence, and listening to Him talk, and being able to talk to Him, in His house?  this is not your time, it's my time, with my God.  Take care of your own business with me, at your own time.  Is it wonder that though i love you, i don't really want to spend time with you?  I just want to go to a place where I can be with Him, spend time with Him, and serve Him, without having you think i'm competing for attention, glory or even work.  i'm not.  i just love Him, so I want to do things for Him.  why can't you just focus on your love for Him and leave me alone?  if you must notice me, why does it have to be negative?

so i want to leave, only because i cannot bear the attention.  too much is expected, and only because it comes with who my family is. 

maybe i'm at fault to, acting a certain way that brings that negative attention on me.  i don't know.  why is it that people must think that because someone is high up, we must bring them down?  and yet, these same people insist that other people keep them high up?  why can't we just lift each other up, instead of tearing each other down?  i mean, is that even your job to do that?  we are all children of God.  who are we to judge whether or not somebody is to God's standards?  you don't know what my standards or thoughts are, you try, but you don't know.  so who are you to say you know what God is thinking about that person?  the most we could do is to just lift and encourage each other to be the best we can be, instead of thinking of ways to keep them where we think they should be.  i must be so proud, that people think that i need to be humbled.  but, in truth, i humble myself by seeing how faulty and lacking i am, everyday.  i do that without having somebody do that to me too.  i mean, how much can a person take?  i do that, because i realise, so clearly, that i'm no perfect, i know i'm not, and that's a fact.  if someone tells me that i am, i know they are either speaking metaphorically, or lying straight to my face.  and the reason i know that i'm not perfect, is because i know nobody is.  but i don't blame them, because i know how much God loves them still, and want them to be the best that God had created them to be.  so i try, to encourage them to be better, to be good, and tell them that although i acknowledge their faults, they can definitely do better, and that i still like them, even with their faults, because I know God loves them still. 

i'm so tired of fighting in a war that i didn't know i was enlisted to be in.  i had enlsted to fight the spiritual war, the demons, spirits.  i didn't enlist to fight my own regiment.  if i can't trust them to not go against me, who else is there that i can depend on to watch my back?

stop it. stop it. stop it.  i can't stop you from doing this, because then you would think i'm being stupid, disrespectful, and impertinent.  so i'll just leave.  that way, you can have your stupid glory, and there will be nobody to "step on your tail" as you would put it.  the thorn in your side will be picked out, and the pebble in your shoe removed.  and i, will be free to love my God, and to serve Him, and His people, without having to worry you.  everyone will be happy.  you can help whoever i was helping, as you obviously think that you can do a much better job at it.  i'll leave you to it.  do whatever you want, cos i'm gone anyway.

i want to leave.  i really do, and this time, it might be permanent.  and i'm not threatening, because i'm just so sick of it.