|COURAGE...is trust in action|
Me: I have a crush on you. I like being near you, but you make me nervous and tongue-tied. But I like you. And I just want to let you know that me being so "stiff" is not because I don't like you, but it's because I do. I just want to know, do you like me? (By the way, this is the first time I'm doing this...)
Him: (gestures me over) Thank you! I'm so flattered! But, unfortunately, I'm actually seeing someone. Circumstances doesn't allow the situation. I'm sorry. But I'm so flattered! What you did took guts! How long did it take you to muster the courage? Keep doing it though, cos I'm sure there will be a guy out there...(you can guess the rest). I'm so flattered! And you don't need to be shy around me, I'm just a regular joe (verbatim..who says that?).
Me: (thinking to myself) Yes, I expected this...sure you're flattered, but, that's not enough, is it? Oh well, at least I tried. Yes, it was hard, but, I just wanted to get it over with, and decided to write that to you, before I lost my nerve. As for being nervous, and shy, that's just me, but now that I know, I can get over this and move on.
Him: Yes. But I won't tell anyone, because there's nothing to tell. (not verbatim)
Me: Good. (not verbatim)
So, I think it went well, don't you? At least it's a 4-day long weekend, so, I have time to recover. Luckily, it was just a crush, so I'll be able to recover with relatively little scarring. But still...it's gonna leave a scar. Mostly because I finally took the leap, and still didn't gain anything. I'm hurt, I am. But I know I'll get over it. What's wrong with me anyway? *sigh* I might've gotten some comfort from God, and possibly letting me know that this isn't it, it's not the end, that there will be somebody for me. But I don't know if that's my hope/desperation talking, or if it's really God? This is one thing that I'm reluctant to let go completely, because it's my biggest fear, ending up alone. It's silly and stupid, but at the same time, not, because there is a definite possibility that it could happen. I wonder though, if I didn't think he was single, would I have still gone for it? I don't know, probably not, but who knows?
It'll be weird for a bit, but...I'm gonna hafta get over it, and I will, just a matter of when. But at least it's a big place and we can avoid each other easily. Nowadays I would be lucky if I see him twice a week.
But I wonder, what's wrong with me? You know, I don't even care who reads this anymore, because it doesn't matter anymore, I've done it, and it was the worst thing that I thought I could've done, and it turned out okay. So it's okay, read it, I don't mind.