Been reading on Judaism today. Not sure how I got on the subject. I think it was Time. They have an article on Benjamin Netanyahu and perhaps somewhere from that I got onto something else which got me onto times it was ok to break law. Which got me thinking about mitzvot and reminded me about the idea of needing a presence of mind for performing a mitzvot. It's not good enough to just do it, you have to be aware of it, you have to remember why you're doing it for it to have meaning. There's a word for it but I can't remember it. It means presence of mind, essentially. 

So I look inward at myself and....my presence of mind is All. Fucked. Up. I'm not in the right frame of mine to do ANYTHING spiritual right now, I'm so churning and twisted up. I gotta detoxify, detangle. Like, I could literally feel my head sloshing around compared to when I remembered how I was when I'm deep into spiritual things. Somethings driving me up a wall. I gotta soothe, be ok, allow myself to be soothed. That's probably going to be the hardest thing for me. So easy for me to be tense. I'm almost always in the driver's seat, almost always trying to look out for people because I love em, don't trust em, or what have you. It's just natural for me to try to be almost hyperaware. So hum. gotta allow myself to be soothed. 



I think my main problem regarding that is why. I need a reason WHY I need to be soothed. What should it be? Blargh. I can't find a good reason to not be mellow but I can find plenty to be upset about. 



But how about this one: because I'm home. Because I'm in a safe place. Because, as of yet, I haven't pissed anyone off enough for them to disappear. Because the job thing is temporary and I have potential as a worker. Just need a shot at it. Everything will be fine because I'll make it fine. The things that are fucked up won't be because I'm going to slowly twist everything back into order. 




I like that. 

And if I don't lop off my own head spider-style, it's true too. Gotta get back in the frame of mind where I can feel right being spiritual again. Even if I'm not on a spiritual kinda thing, like I'm not right now. I can't do good things if I'm not in the right framework, you know? My mind won't be in the right place. Therefore my body won't either. So yeah. As long as I'm alive I might as well do positive worthwhile things. I can quit when I die, whether it's by my hand or someone elses. Til then, things gotta be still and ok in my head.




I feel better already. 


And so I will post some pictures.