"So much power in mankind, so many questions. And yet without the intelligence to answer them. Mankind grows, and tries to form a whole, a community. But it becomes more dangerous. More angry, and with no direction for this anger besides itself and its world."
Finding myself again.
Strange that I would be inspired by, of all things, a video game. Tis the secret of my success it is talking about (in another line). Tis the reason I loathe mankind (in this one).
I feel like an outsider like this Tuurngait. I's my aspiration to be whole, to be many and one, unified in purpose though with many different souls. I don't much see the point of individuality; of the seething mass of ones that pull in all directions at once creating destruction wherever it goes. I see subsuming the spirit into one cohesive whole as the most powerful thing a one could do; to be one of many moving in one direction, unification. I see it more clearly now; I remember a conversation I once had. I was talking about what my goal in a relationship was. Most people it's simply to be happy. I care little for being happy. I care for being unified; to have different views and opinions but to still be unified in one common purpose and one common goal. Two sides to the same coin was the metaphor I used. It's not important which way it flips and who gets what when, what is important is unification. Intense, tight, unification to the point of obliterating ones self. Like a machine greater than the sum of it's parts. Like a gestalt. Like a hive mind. Like the Tuurngait. That was my goal.
To a large extent I got it too. It was wonderful.
Unfortunately most people aren't even remotely interested in losing their individuality on a reckless emotional experiment (I'm assuming very few, if any, people are even remotely looking for this kind of thing, so this is why I say experiment). And then there's the fact that I am not compatible with everyone. In fact, I feel like I am compatible with very few. This makes such a thing even more difficult. And then there's the potential for me to be completely lost too. Hum.
And then there's the looks of certain individuals who will look down on me for this aspiration, who will call me weak and a coward.
It's an easy observation to make. Maybe even I would make it if I didn't know myself better.
I am more unified than I think they know. I may not act as often as one might expect, nor in ways one might expect and I might even SAY I'm scattered, but don't mistake me for truly being so. When I move, I move completely and totally in one direction with no doubts. Like a bullet. Like Love.
Every time I shatter into pieces I bring myself back together, flowing one way, in one direction. Reunified.