6 47 am
i guess its going to get earlier and earlier. i can't sleep any more. its torment. i swear. i woke up around 3 to pee and i went to the bathroom.... and um how werid is this, i think i fell asleep on the potty. yeah thats right, i fell asleep. on the toilet. its fine.

_{this feels like ive been laying in a warm bed with the softest sheets and the snuggliest pillows holding me together and keeping me up while i dreamed of things the way they can only be when they're in my dreams. this feels like someone came in with the sole intention of stripping me of my covers and hardening my pillows. this feels like hell}

i almost want to go downstairs and get my stupid breakfast over with right now. but my mom has to watch me eat it i think. how stupid? she got mad at me last night becuase she didnt think i had enough to eat (not exactly wrong but...) so she was like pressuring me to have stupid nuts and raisins and stuff. i was like um... i'm not hungry go away stop forcing me. shes like u think this is forcing?? get ready for the hospital. this is going to seem easy compared to that. kinda scared me because, well.... its true. i'm supposed to go on monday..... i can't believe this is happening to me.

_{what happend to my life}.

5:19 pm
today was a disaster. i'm sliding down the slippery slope again. my stoamch is killing me and i can't go poo. i don't eat enough any more becuase my stoamch is killing me from the attempt at recovery in the intereum before i head over to the clinic/hospital thing for this stupid stupid disease tahts taken over my entire life. i couldnt stand the idea of snacking so i made dinner and ate it already. its 5:20. i ate dinner. its 5:20. do you have any idea what that means? it means i'm going to be starving like.... soon and thats bad. becuase i usually eat much later. but i couldnt wait. time moves too slow for me recently. i wish i could speed it up some how.

i feel liek someone lit a sword on fire and stuck me in the stomach with it and ripped it out. i have this awful burning feeling left over. stupid food. who said you needed it anyway.....

i need to go back downstairs, my mom gets worried when i come to my room for too long of a time after meals. reminds her of my b/p days i guess. more later.

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