9:35 a yesterday i decided that i should go hang out wtih swimmers at the swim house party. good idea i guess. it was fun whatever. but then something happend at the last moment of the event... and i'm not sure what will transpire from this action. a freind that ive had since i was young who has become a very close friend since coming to college.. and i had a talk for a long time up in his room. to close the talk.... he kissed me. i'm not sure what i'm supposed to do with this situaiton since its not one that i particularaly want to be in. at all. he's my best freind. not someone that i kiss... not someone that should cross that boundry no matter how much he wants the boudnry crossed.... i think that kiss was the end of a great thing instead of the beginning.

You make it seem like it was yesterday.

But we've come a long way out of the rain.

Can't seem to figure out what happens after this.

Why can't I?

so then i went home with the grand plan of going to sleep - so tired... i was basically falling asleep on my way home anyway. get to the room - get in bed - fall asleep. phone rings. its my friend who says he wants to hang out because his room mate is dead drunk and everyone else is sleeping and he's just having a bad day and needs someone around. i figure that's a viable reason. and he's on campus so its not like i have to take another adventure in order to arrive there. so we talk whatever everything's normal. put on some tv watch some tv. then now he's kissing me. what is going on? i dont even know. he stopps.... and pins me down while he removes my bottoms.... at this point im just like you know what? fuck it. i hate myself so much right now... that i dont even have the energy or the care to say stop. so then it happens. something that i hold so cherished and so important to me... and i cried the whole time.... with out any energy to say stop i cried. he didnt stop. i cried.... and so goes my life. i feel like i just was used. taken advantage of and for granted...i feel so alone and like an empty shell of who i am.

i cried

he wouldnt stop

today is the pledge's initiation. in a few hours they'll be sisters like us.... should be exciting. except i really dont feel like doing anything today. i want to just lay in bed and cry and sleep and figure everything out. figure out why people are kissing me and why i wont stop when its all i want to. all i want is just to shout at the top of my lungs leave me alone!!!! becuase i can't handle this any more. i just cant handle it in anyway.

the only person i want to care about me cares about his girl far away. he comes back today... we'll see how that goes.

pathetic is the term i should use in talking about my endevours in attempting to find meaning in what i do and in my life...

11:47 a our pledges officially suck. they broke all the rules to their 'hell week' and really shit on the sorority by not respecting it. not respecting what it stands for. not respecting... well us. and that is such a damn shame. becuase a lof of them care. but a lot of them dont.... and theyre not just 14 girls they are a class of one. of one so.... thats just really fucked for all of them then just because some made some serious mistakes. i know a lot of people out there hear sorority and laugh or want to make fun of it. but you know what? it means a lot more than just a bunch of girls to go boozing with or whatever the steriotypes are. because these girls are sisters to me. a family. they were behind me for everything. every step of the way thru my hospitalization thru treatments, theyre always there for anyone who needs it. they truely are amazing women and im not sure how i am feelilng right now in regards to letting them in.

10:08 p great.... initiation sucked. 2 pledges passed out randomly.... a lot of sisters didnt show up.... bc they were not about to see them getting into our sorority. so crazy...

i feel so empty inside. this leads me to eat. which makes me feel worse. whcih makes me turn to food more. which makes m efeel worse. whcih makes me feel more empty. whcih makes me eat more. i hate these cycles im in. i hate these feeligns i have. i hate me. i hate me. i hate me.

11:39 p so i binged really bad. im such a fat shit. like in the past 30 min i had bread, cereal, a bagel, tostitos, pringles and some cheese spread.... i really do hate myself right now. nothing is going right. nothing.

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