|A Part of Me|
Today I'm awake and its 3:06am in the morning. I started to think about my past and how much it has changed since my last entry in 2007. I know I have not writen in a long time. Not that anyone cares. I remeber that I went on here just to have a little freedom from my life. A life where I was not able to be open and myself with out punishment.
I can't believe how scared I was in my own home. How much I wanted to stay at school or work in order not to go home. I never felt complete because i was not allow to open up and express myself to anyone not event to my friend half of the times because i was afriad that it will get back to my parents some how.
Now its been two years since i last writen. I'm still scared of my parents but happy. I live on my own (its hard and sucks) but I can be myself and free. What freedom I have when I'm alone. I'm not so hateful anymore. Much of my personality has stayed the same I think however i'm told other wise. I look back on that horrible May night. To this day it makes me sad. How I had to pack a small bag while my dad was pounding on my door yelling. I knew the horror that was going to await me if it got unlock somehow. I looked at the night sky everyone asleep and I wonder if anyone knew what was happing in my small room. I wonder if I'll ever get the courage to get through that window. I prayed that a sign will appear to give me an okay and open the window and escape. If a sign didn't appear I wouldn't have been mad at God or anyone else but myself. But then the pounding in the door stopped and I waited. This is my sign and what ever I"m going to do next I have to do it with courage and good faith. I knew my path will be difficult but maybe just maybe a happy one in the end.
I open my window quitly and pushed the screen as hard as I could; Throw my pack and climb out. The feeling I had at that moment when I looked back at my window was of complete sadness. I loved my parents but yet I was afraid of them, always have yet I cared so much and I wonder if I was doing the right thing. I just wanted to disappear forever never feel again. Have a blackhole take me and never come back. But I knew I could not disappear and I made a choice no matter how much it was distroying me inside I choice to open that window.
I walked down the street in my pj shorts and tee with no shoes to my friends house. It was going to be a walk and I had to make it quick afraid that my parents would try to come back to my room and discover I'm gone. I cried while walking and if God knew I need an angel John (my bf) came down the street driving like 60mph. He stopped the jeep at my house passing me since he didnt see me because he as driving way to fast. I was about 6 house up and saw him jump out the jeep and run to my window. seeing that the blinds were open and the screen pushed out he looked around the street to see me and I just then I felt like maybe I did make the right choice. If someone cares enough to somehow magicly know I needed help. He came to me and I just cried in his arms. He didn't have to say anything just being felt loved for once was my hope that I do desrve better.
Funny thing the police showed up. They stopped right in front of us. A neighbor called them becuase they heard my crying. They seperated us. I told the police officer what was going on they noticed my bruised body and asked if my parents were the cause of it. I knew if I said yes they would go to my house and take my parents. I lied and said no. No because I know their good people and my brother need his parents. My parents love my brother and they never treated him the way they did with me and I want my brother to have a happy life. My dream life. where parents are loving and strict and understanding and happy. Where the child grows up loved, and great. I know that my brother life not mine. We were cleared and they left with giving me a card just to make sure I'm okay and an officer said it was okay to tell the truth.
Funny how telling the truth does not make everything better. Where lies sometimes are a form of making someone live a life of strengh becuase there is no other way.
The next day I woke up in an apartment with everyone of my friends were in the living room. They had a plan for me, to start my new life.